50 year old man goes to get his physical. Doctor is amazed that this 50 year old man is in great shape. Doctor asked, "How old was your dad when he died?" The patient replies, "Did I say he died?" Then the doctor asks, "How old was you dad's dad when he died?" The patient replies, "Did I say he died?" The patient then says, "A matter of fact, he is getting married this weekend." Doctor replies, "Why would a man that old want to get married?" The patient replies, "Did I say he wanted to get married?"
Not a joke, but funny as hell...
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
A golfer is lining up for a 15-foot putt and if he makes it then he wins the yearly club championship. Right before he starts to swing his club, a funeral procession goes by the golf course. The golfer stops his swing and then takes his hat off until the funeral procession has gone by. The golfer then makes his putt. Another golfer tells the winning golfer that was very nice to pay your respects for the funeral procession. The winning golfer says, “It would have been our 20th wedding anniversary this year.”
Three old men are sitting in a rest home discussing the past.
The first guy says "I wish I could take a good healthy piss, like I used to do.
The second one says" I don't have any problem with that, but I do wish I could take a good healthy shit, like I used to".
The third old guys says " I don't have any problem with either one of those things. Every morning about 6 a.m., I take a good healthy piss, then somewhere around 8:00 a.m., I take a good healthy shit. I just wish I could wake up before noon".
The first guy says "I wish I could take a good healthy piss, like I used to do.
The second one says" I don't have any problem with that, but I do wish I could take a good healthy shit, like I used to".
The third old guys says " I don't have any problem with either one of those things. Every morning about 6 a.m., I take a good healthy piss, then somewhere around 8:00 a.m., I take a good healthy shit. I just wish I could wake up before noon".
Yeah I know it shows how old I am......... Heres a couple for kids, my Grandfather owned a bar & could rattle off corny jokes one after the other... From 1963: What would you do if you went downtown & your toe fell off?................................... Call a tow truck........................................What would you do if Santa Clause got stuck in the Chimney?................................ Use Sani Flush....
A boy is sitting on Santa's lap, and Santa put his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet you want a (spells out) B I K E!" The boys eyes light up and says "yes, Santa how'd you know that?" "I'm Santa I know everything" he replied. The boy says "I bet you like girls!" Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that?" The boy says "because your finger smell like P U S S Y!"
