ushups:
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A man and his Ostrich
Clever, he should have stopped with the first wish...
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change
for payment..
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."> The ostrich says, "I'll ha e the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it
on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change
in your pocket every time?."
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found
an old lamp When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long
as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Clever, he should have stopped with the first wish...
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change
for payment..
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."> The ostrich says, "I'll ha e the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it
on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change
in your pocket every time?."
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found
an old lamp When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long
as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000.’
MAN: 20 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000.’
MAN: 20 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
There was this guy, and he was in a really rough spot in this life. His wife had just left him, she took their children with her, he was having trouble paying the mortgage and bills, and he hated his job terribly. As every day passed, his depression became worse and worse.
Then something weird began to happen. The guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: " Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset.
Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money, and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's." So he hopped into a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.
When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number... 21.
The voice said, "Damn..."
Then something weird began to happen. The guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: " Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."
Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset.
Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money, and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's." So he hopped into a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.
When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number... 21.
The voice said, "Damn..."
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just
turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just
turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
So a priest and a rabbi are packing their tackle for a fishing trip.
While packing in his communion wafers the Priest says "hey rabbi, lets bring an alter boy along for the trip."
"why?" ask the Rabbi.
"So we can fuck him!" answers the priest.
The rabbi looks at the preist finally catching on, and ask "Fuck him out of what?"
While packing in his communion wafers the Priest says "hey rabbi, lets bring an alter boy along for the trip."
"why?" ask the Rabbi.
"So we can fuck him!" answers the priest.
The rabbi looks at the preist finally catching on, and ask "Fuck him out of what?"
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and
leave me alone.
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room.
She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law!"
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and
leave me alone.
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room.
She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law!"
