Joke of the day-

[steve3200]

My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her, said George.

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his friend.

"No, that's not what made her the maddest," the husband chuckled.

"It's not?" asked the friend.

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains!"

 

[steve3200]

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[steve3200]

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

 

[NoPartials]

old but always makes me chuckle

So a farmer walks into his house holding a chicken, he says "I just wanted to show you the pig I've been having sex with for years", his wife says "honey, thats a chicken" The farmer replies "I know thats who Im talking to."
<!-- / message -->

 

[NoPartials]

big words

Guy's having dinner with his [COLOR=blue !important][COLOR=blue !important]girlfriend[/COLOR][/COLOR].

Girl: I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to break up.

Guy: Why? We have so much fun together, the sex is great and I really [COLOR=blue !important][COLOR=blue !important]love [COLOR=blue !important]you[/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR].

Girl: My friends tell me that you're a pedophile.

Guy; Pedophile? Isn't that an awfully big word for a 10 year old?<!-- / message -->

 

[steve3200]

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one

 

[steve3200]

Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

 

[steve3200]

A guy dies while making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

 

[Boxslayer]

Guy's having dinner with his [COLOR=blue !important][COLOR=blue !important]girlfriend[/color][/color].

Girl: I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to break up.

Guy: Why? We have so much fun together, the sex is great and I really [COLOR=blue !important][COLOR=blue !important]love [COLOR=blue !important]you[/color][/color][/color].

Girl: My friends tell me that you're a pedophile.

Guy; Pedophile? Isn't that an awfully big word for a 10 year old?<!-- / message -->

Just shat my pants

 

[Boxslayer]

So a farmer walks into his house holding a chicken, he says "I just wanted to show you the pig I've been having sex with for years", his wife says "honey, thats a chicken" The farmer replies "I know thats who Im talking to."
<!-- / message -->

keep em coming partials

 

[anthonyquinn]

Black dude walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender says "Jesus, where the fuck did you get that?"
Parrot says, "Africa, there's millions of them?

 

[NoPartials]

Redneck identification

You know you're a Redneck if...

• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
• You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
• You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it...

 

[steve3200]

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The Grip !!

 

[NoPartials]

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them

 

[steve3200]

If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?


It's you, you fucking idiot!

 

[steve3200]

What's the difference between a girl and a women?


A girl you take to bed and tell her a story. A women you tell her a story and then take her to bed!!

 

[steve3200]

One for the Ladies!!!- "A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the husband says, “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” The wife thinks for a few moments, then says “your dick is bigger than your brother’s.”

 

[NoPartials]

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A.) Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

 

[steve3200]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time on your wallet than your dick!!!

 

[steve3200]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?


A) full!!!