Post your funniest jokes in this thread!

[pfossil]

ATTORNEY

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed
good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar
bills gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly
left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went
upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she
asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[pfossil]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

> COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

> ABBOTT: Mac?

> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

> ABBOTT: Your computer?

> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

> ABBOTT: Mac?

> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

> ABBOTT: What about Windows?

> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

> proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

> ABBOTT: Office.

> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

> ABBOTT: I just did.

> COSTELLO: You just did what?

> ABBOTT: Recommend something.

> COSTELLO: You recommended something?

> ABBOTT: Yes.

> COSTELLO: For my office?

> ABBOTT: Yes.

> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

> ABBOTT: Office.

> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

> ABBOTT: Word.

> COSTELLO: What word?

> ABBOTT: Word in Office.

> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with

> some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

> ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

> COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of

> your business. Just tell me what I need!

> ABBOTT: Real One.

> COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

> ABBOTT: Of course.

> COSTELLO: Great! With what?

> ABBOTT: Real One.

> COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

> ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

> COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

> ABBOTT: The blue "1."

> COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

> ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W"

> is Word.

> COSTELLO: What word?

> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

> COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

> ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

> COSTELLO: It is?

> ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

> COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

> ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even

> part of Office.

> COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial

> bookkeeping?

> You have anything I can track my money with?

> ABBOTT: Money.

> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

> ABBOTT: Money.

> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

> ABBOTT: Money.

> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?

> How much?

> ABBOTT: One copy.

> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

>

> A FEW DAYS LATER . .

>

> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

> ABBOTT: Click on "START".....

 

[thebiggbird]

There was a woman walking down the street,she came upon a man selling dicks, she decided to find out how much they cost. the man say's we have these big ones for 100 dollars, these medium ones for 75 dollars and these small ones for 50. She goes home and tells her husband about it. The husband asked if they had any like his, the wife answers yes they were 3 for a dollar.

 

[pfossil]

A WOMAN AT A HARDWARE STORE

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store....

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a
customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.
Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and
Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled,
"Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

 

[pfossil]

Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love;

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all

She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,

You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,

But Joe is yo' half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe

And planned to marry Will.

But after telling Pappy this,

He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,

And please don't tell your Mother,

But Will and Joe and several mo'

I know is yo' half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,

Just do what makes yo' happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe.

You ain't no kin to Pappy.

 

[pfossil]

Who said men aren't sensitive?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and the end up leaving together. The couple goes back to his place.

He shows her around his apartment, and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears:

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,......

Cuddly medium-sized ones on a middle shelf, and...

Huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that is so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side.

She turns to him, invitingly...she gazes into his eyes, and they begin to kiss...which leads to them romantically remove each other's clothes. This of course leads to hot passion and steamy love.

After a very intense night they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over lovingly and asks, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns and says; "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.

 

[pfossil]

KIDS INTERVIEWED ABOUT MARRIAGE:
WHO SHOULD YOU MARRY?

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

 

[Mobdeeper7239]

A siege ��* and sunshine thread babahahhahahahhahahahhahaahahahhahahaha. I bet you these two would get along great

 

[Avocado33]

I’m stuck between tmader7 lying about being worth $38 million, and Mobdeeper making picks after the event happens .

 

[UnderSiege]

A siege ��* and sunshine thread babahahhahahahhahahahhahaahahahhahahaha. I bet you these two would get along great

Look at this shit stain finally showed his face... I clear more in one play gambling than your entire welfare check loser. How many winning tickets did you have on the Belmont stakes? Lol now that the race is over of course

 

[Avocado33]

Bahahahaha

 

[stock07]

Siege thinking he is #1 capper here. BIG JOKE
stanfordsam hiding in siege jockstrap.
These two are the BIGGEST jokes I have seen in a long time.

 

[Avocado33]

lol stockroach coming in to rescue his fraud friends once again

 

[stock07]

lol stockroach coming in to rescue his fraud friends once again

As are you dumb ass? You have jumped out of sieges jock strap to help him more times than I can count. Move along little boy, stop mentioning my name trying to get attention fucking troll.

 

[Avocado33]

As are you dumb ass? You have jumped out of sieges jock strap to help him more times than I can count. Move along little boy, stop mentioning my name trying to get attention fucking troll.

Not trying to get attention. Just calling out bullshit as I see fit.

 

[stock07]

Not trying to get attention. Just calling out bullshit as I see fit.

You ain't doing shit little boy.

 

[Avocado33]

You ain't doing shit little boy.

I called Mobdeeper and tmader for the frauds they are. They are both frauds.

Therefore yes, I am doing exactly what I said.

 

[stock07]

I called Mobdeeper and tmader for the frauds they are. They are both frauds.

Therefore yes, I am doing exactly what I said.

Thats what I thought best you do best back pedal away from me. Move along.

 

[Avocado33]

Thats what I thought best you do best back pedal away from me. Move along.

How is that back pedaling? That’s your go-to when you get slapped.

 

[stock07]

How is that back pedaling? That’s your go-to when you get slapped.

I offered it up plenty so has tmader...if your tough name/city/etc if not we win and you go away.