Post your funniest jokes in this thread!

[pfossil]

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse one more time,...but .alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen

very

carefully .......

for

the

last

time .......

I said.....

"BRING POSSE"

 

[pfossil]

HEAD

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son on to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left...then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...




"He should have quit while he was a head!"

 

[XENO]

bob and bill were always friends an they Loved to play baseball. bob said to bill,when we Die do U think they play baseball in Heaven if we get there? Bill said maybe. SO whoever Dies ist,then you or i will try to contact the other . SO bill died an Bob was in church crying and out of a Cloud Bill appeared and, Bill said remember our deal, oh yeah and i have Good and Bad news.Bob said ok what is it, yup they play baseball in Heaven.so bob said so wheres the bad news. Bob you are the starting Pitcher Sunday!!

 

[pfossil]

Dear Employees

Cleaned up to post here.

Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr__k.

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[Aflacc]

What do all battered women have in common?

THEY DON'T LISTEN.

 

[pfossil]

The Preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending
the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

 

[pfossil]

Anniversary Present (a Taser)

This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully bought his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary. Don't be drinking liquids when you read this, I'm warning you.
==============================
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety -- way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

Awesome!!! but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that; a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

Still in shock,
Tommy

 

[pfossil]

Blonde Joke

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

 

[pfossil]

HOLY WATER

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he
had.

The little boy replied: "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Preist responded: "No the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant
women's belly, she will pass a healthy child"

The little boy replied. "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
on a cat's ass and he 'll pass a Harley Davidson."

 

[Aflacc]

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[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]I was walking through a nearby mall yesterday and came upon a "Mexican Book Store." Never having seen one before, I went in.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As I was wandering around, a clerk asked if he could help me find something.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book about his proposed immigration policy regarding Mexicans?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The clerk said, "F*** you, get out and stay out!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"[/FONT]

[/FONT]
</body>



I was walking through a nearby mall yesterday and came upon a "Mexican Book Store." Never having seen one before, I went in.


As I was wandering around, a clerk asked if he could help me find something.






I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book about his proposed immigration policy regarding Mexicans?"






The clerk said, "F*** you, get out and stay out!"






I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"