Post your funniest jokes in this thread!

pfossil · Oct 23, 2017

THE HORSE BET

The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK!

He was a little dazed and asked, "What was that for?"

She said, "I was cleaning out your pants to put them in the laundry and I found a piece of paper with the name "Foxy Roxy" on it!"

"Honey, you know that I went out the other day with the boys to the race track. I bet on a horse named "Foxy Roxy" and we won a lot of money on it."

She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner and really treated him good, since she had made this terrible mistake in not trusting him.

A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK," she smacked him up side the head again.

He said, "Ow! What was that for?

She replied, "Your horse called today!"

pfossil · Oct 25, 2017

Some Lawyer Humor

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

"I know," the old man sighed, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. Suppose the Egyptians were right. I'd like to have something with me, just in case."

His three advisors looked at each other in silent wonderment.

"So," continued the old man, "I am giving each of you an envelope containing $100,000.00 in cash. I would be deeply grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that cash is useful, I'll have a nest egg for eternity."

They each solemnly agree to carry out his last wishes.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of his three advisors were seen slipping their envelopes into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor, becoming quite emotional, turned to the other two and said, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the priest, a tear in his eye, said: "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our small church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested."

Fixing his sternest gaze on the doctor and the priest, the lawyer, shaking his head in disgust, said, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn promises to our dear old friend and benefactor."

The lawyer, pointing an accusing finger at the doctor and priest, said: "I want you both to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full $100,000.00!"

pfossil · Oct 27, 2017

DRINKING HUMOR

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says to the crowd of drinkers, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll bet $500 American dollars that no one in here can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman smiles, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

exploited17 · Oct 27, 2017

[FONT=&quot]Q: Would a white or black kindergartner have a bigger dick? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A: The black one because he's 20.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do an essay

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Where do you send Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder? Concentration Camp!

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

pfossil · Oct 30, 2017

Lawyer with a Heart

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

sleepwalker · Oct 31, 2017

Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know

I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know
them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."

Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you!

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyvon else," Ole says. ''President Obama," his
boss quickly retorts.
"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him."
We’ll fly out to Washington to see him."
Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."
The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will
never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell
you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come
out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen
minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?

pfossil · Nov 1, 2017

OSAMA JOKE

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and
66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

pfossil · Nov 3, 2017

A Love Story:

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Ireland, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that. "

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR Bleep-Bleep BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

pfossil · Nov 7, 2017

Hillbillies at a Bar

Two hillbillies from Tennessee walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operations.

Suddenly, a woman at nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to
turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with
his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to
the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick
Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

pfossil · Nov 9, 2017

Morris

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi
just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says
Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone
on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway
star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and
I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

pfossil · Nov 14, 2017

Life in God's Country

With the wind chill outside now at 30 below zero in southern Wisconsin, this conversion chart seems timely:

Wisconsin Temperature Conversion Chart:

60 degrees F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Wisconsin sunbathe.

50 F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.

40 F: Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.

32 F: Distilled water freezes.
The water at Lake Mendota in Madison starts getting cooler.

20 F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt, buttons open.

15 F: New York City landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0 F: All the people in Miami die.
Wisconsinites close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians escape en masse to Mexico.
Girl Scouts in Wisconsin sell cookies door to door.

25 below zero: Las Vegas disintegrates.
People in Wisconsin rummage around the attic to find some winter coats.

40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Some Wisconsinites are frustrated when they can't start their cars .

460 below zero (absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale): All atomic motion
stops..
People in Wisconsin start saying . . . "Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over.
The Brewers win World Series

stretchrunner147 · Nov 15, 2017

I got home after drinking and told my wife I got a new Tattoo, I said i had the words "I love You" put on my penis, looking pissed my wife says, quit trying to put words in my mouth.....

pfossil · Nov 16, 2017

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread,
butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

"You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to the States."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,
and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the States."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France.

pfossil · Nov 21, 2017

Bubba and Billy Bob

Bubba and Billy Bob, who are from WV, travel to Kentucky to visit a
relative. They are walking along the street, and they see a sign on a
store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50
per pair.

"Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, "Look here! We could buy
a whole gob of these, take 'em back to WV, sell 'em to our friends, and
make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me
do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're
ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow
Kentucky drawl so's they don't know."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Kentucky drawl,
"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts
at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at
$2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from WV, ain't yah?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba......... "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners."

pfossil · Nov 28, 2017

Subject: Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game

This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing
the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of
innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are
on base?

Think!

Answer: it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded........

pfossil · Dec 5, 2017

Hockey Humor

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7 year old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

The coach continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole,' is it?'' Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

pfossil · Dec 13, 2017

Is it a Fix?

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in
the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to
investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the
Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when
summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

pfossil · Dec 21, 2017

Social Security Sex

Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex,"

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know:
>
>
>
>
>
>
I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"

pfossil · Dec 28, 2017

Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

pfossil · Jan 5, 2018

Lecturer

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"