Time for the TiVo blow-by-blow brought to you by Green Doberman. It's a WWF theme for the review this week.
Corey Koskie just hit a walk-off homer for the marathon win, so I can relax and watch with a helping of Chipotle chips and salsa. (sorry folks, the burrito was gone a long time ago)
The intro, Seacrest, judges.
Cheesy contestant montage where Simon introduces Elton John to them. Camile is crying, John S. has that deer in the headlights look. Could this be a precursor of things to come>
First up is Fantasia. The only analogy I can make is this is like batting Wade "Chicken Man" Boggs leadoff.
Fantasia pulls an "Edge" and enters through the crowd.(Jim Ross should be announcing this, "The stage is EMPTY, the stage is EMPTY, where is she King? Good god it's Tasia, in the crowd TASIA!!"
As far as her performance, well, I can see why Macy Gray doesn't do Elton covers. But her performance is still a showstopper and she stays the chalk. Simon as usual is the only honest one, and luckily for her she maintains composure (well, for her). Still you can't help but see the distance between her and LaToya in the class category. (I keep having this dream that her and LaToya are the finalists and before they announce the winner LaToya goes to shake hands and 'Tasia gives her a steel chair shot, but hey that's just me).
The dogs outside are howling so it must be JPL time. The Church of the Latter Day Saints pinup boy will be singing "Rocket Man". Well, at least we don't have to hear his "Tiny Dancer" travesty again.
He hits the first few notes, but then goes off into the JPL strut, which bears a strange resemblance to Evil Vince McMahon's "cock of the walk" strut. As soon as he starts moving, his singing starts dying. Way off key...again. The crowd goes wild...at BYU. Otherwise, this was brutal.
Uh oh, Randy starts off with "Yo,yo,yo", that's never a good sign. The only way JPL escapes the bottom 3 this week is if 20 million TVs simultaneously went on mute. This "Rocket Man" crashes and burns.
"America's Sweetheart" Jasmine Trias is next. She's the Miss Elizaeth of the competition. "Don't let the Sun go Down on me" seems suited to her voice. She opens up slowly, then lets it all go. Wow, she's the most soulful sounding 16-year old I've ever heard! A couple off-key notes for the "flower child" but overall solid enough to keep her alive.
Jazz blows kisses to the crowd and flashes her million-dollar smile. The judges are dead-on in their criticisms, however. It was a little underkey and she did go for too much power and came off like a Jennifer. However, that being said, if she goes and JPL stays that would be the worst decision since making David Arquette WCW champ (remember that debacle?).
Conan O'Brien, nay, Dean Martin, nay Frank Sinatra, oh hell, John Stevens is next. The trademark finger snap is back and the "deer in headlights" look is gone. John's gambling this week with an uptempo "Crocodile Rock". He at least remembers all his words and seems energetic. But he sounds the EXACT same as the last 27 weeks we have suffered through his "Rat Pack" imitation. It's like Stone Cold match you can see the finish from miles away, Punch, punch, kick, stunner.
If this were a coffin match, John would have been buried alive.
Randy proceeds to bury him, then Paula gives a 2-minute stumbling lecture trying to find something good about it. It's never good when Simon uses the word "excruciating" to describe your singing. Well, at least the deer in headlights look is back.
Green has turned the AC up in the room, that could only mean one thing... CAMILE TIME. "The lovely Camile" or otherwise knows as TLC needs a big performance tonight. Please, please, please, turn it up Hawaiian girl. TLC needs her own theme music, like when Sable used to come out and the crwod would go nuts. (Come to think of it a Camile-Jasmine catfight would probably sell out Aloha Stadium for Wrestlemania 25).
Camile is from Haiku so here's a little inspiration Green Doberman style:
Beautiful Island
Bring us a lovely singing star
Rasta girl do it.
Ok, so poetry is not my strong suit. Well, I'm a big Camile fan, but ugh, bad song choice, and sounded terrible. Simon may be right, as lovely as TLC is, this is goodbye yellow brick road for her.
The Huff-man is up. Hope he loses the Tigger bounce this week. George is gaining steam and a strong performance this week certainly would strengthen his status.
George is soulful as usual, not bringing down the house like last week and yes that Tigger bounce is omnipresent. (It's kinda like when you flip Nature Boy into the turnbuckle and you know he's gonna give the flip onto the apron and get clotheslined, it's cool at first, but you wish he'd do something different).
Anyway, George is soulful, smiley, and likeable. The judges like it, even surly Simon. George's star is shining brightly yet again.
Here come the perky wind-up Barbie, Diana. Someone tell her it's not Mr. Elton John, it's Sir to you young lady. She'll be doing "I'm Still Standing", gee, who woulda thunk.
Did I just change to Star Search or is this the Miss Georgia Peach competition? Little Miss Windup is even more grating than last week. Luckily, she is following three tragedies in JPL, John, and Camile. Her worst performance yet.
She's so bland and lifeless, it's like watching someone go through the motions. The judges notice she was pretty lame as well. If the fan bases of JPL, John, and Camile are worried and vote heavily, Miss Junior Sparky could be in trouble.
"Once, twice, three time a lady" LaToya is up. She can wrest the frontrunner status from Fantasia like Wendi Richter shocked Moolah with a strong performance.
OK, damn this girl is good. Elegant, classy, with a voice to match. If it wasn't a home run, it was surely a ground rule double. She may even be a little too nice (a la Jasmine). But if she's in the bottom three this week, she should call out America and turn heel.
A break and we'll return with Jennifer. Crucial, crucial night for the Jenster. With several weak performances before her, she merely needs to be good to stay alive. Right now, it's her and Camile in a "loser leaves town" match.
BTW, is any one thing more synonymous with the shallowness of America than "The Swan". God, that show looks AWFUL.
Chicago's cruise ship star takes the stage. She brings those powerful pipes and gives us another vintage Jen performance(powerful vocals, oversinging. I think I could hear her sing one song, but after three I'd be confessing spy secrets to the Viet Cong. Still, she was solid and deserves not to leave the island. An improvement and positive comments, now it's up to her fan base.
That's it folks, summary to follow.
