We are all familiar with the Little Rascals ,right?
okay, well Darla, Alphalpha and Buckwheat are in this spelling bee at school. Alphalpha gets called up to the front of the class. "You're word is 'beautiful'.," said the teacher. Alphalpha paused thoughtfully for a moment and then spoke. "B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. Beautiful. Darla, you look beautiful today." He smiled at the teacher, then at Darla. Darla swoons and sighs, fluttering her eyelashes as Alphalpha takes his seat. "Correct," exclaimed the teacher. "Okay, Buckwheat, it's your turn. Your word is 'dictate'." Buckwheat goes to the front of the classroom. "D-I-C-T-A-T-E. Dictate. Hey, Darla, how my dictate last nite?"
okay, well Darla, Alphalpha and Buckwheat are in this spelling bee at school. Alphalpha gets called up to the front of the class. "You're word is 'beautiful'.," said the teacher. Alphalpha paused thoughtfully for a moment and then spoke. "B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. Beautiful. Darla, you look beautiful today." He smiled at the teacher, then at Darla. Darla swoons and sighs, fluttering her eyelashes as Alphalpha takes his seat. "Correct," exclaimed the teacher. "Okay, Buckwheat, it's your turn. Your word is 'dictate'." Buckwheat goes to the front of the classroom. "D-I-C-T-A-T-E. Dictate. Hey, Darla, how my dictate last nite?"
Seems there was a hot party going on, kinda of a costume party. To get in you had to come as an emotion, and had to tell the doorman what emotion your get-up signified. One guy dressed all in red, when asked, replied he was anger, no problem, next guy wearing all green said he was the emotion envy, ok enter. The next guy completely naked except he had good sized pear stuck on the end of his dick. When asked WTF emotion he could possibly be, he replied "I'm fvckin dispair"
wil.
wil.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge cock like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge cock like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
A guy was sitting on a flight to Detroit when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" asked the first guy.
"Omigod...I've been transferred to Detroit," the second guy answered.
"There are crazy people in Detroit and they have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in Detroit all my life, and it is
not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in
the world."
The second guy relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh,
thank God. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's
OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
"Omigod...I've been transferred to Detroit," the second guy answered.
"There are crazy people in Detroit and they have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in Detroit all my life, and it is
not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in
the world."
The second guy relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh,
thank God. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's
OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
A man spots a woman in a bar with the initials N N A in big letters on her T shirt.
What does that stand for? asks the man.
Nymphomaniacs of North America replied the girl
Who makes the best lovers? asks the man
Indian men for sheer screwing and Frenchmen for oral replies the girl
Allow me to introduce myself says the man-my name is Tonto Lafleur.
What does that stand for? asks the man.
Nymphomaniacs of North America replied the girl
Who makes the best lovers? asks the man
Indian men for sheer screwing and Frenchmen for oral replies the girl
Allow me to introduce myself says the man-my name is Tonto Lafleur.
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they know it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She slowly raised her head up and whispered, "Don't sell that cow."
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they know it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She slowly raised her head up and whispered, "Don't sell that cow."
Millions Flock to See Controversial "Passion of the Boss"
Millions of moviegoers flocked to theaters this past weekend to see the controversial movie “The Passion of the Boss,” which tells the heart-breaking story of the last 12 hours before Yankee owner George Steinbrenner crucified baseball by trading for Alex Rodriguez.
“If you’re faint of heart, or if you’re from a small market, I wouldn’t see this movie,” said Gerald Worth, Los Angeles Daily News. “The depiction of the heart being torn out of baseball by the ruthless Steinbrenner is something I won’t soon forget. If this doesn’t show the Boss’ inhumanity in its cruelest and most vile form, nothing does.”
The movie, directed by Tampa Bay Devil Ray’s manager Lou Piniella, has caused controversy among baseball fans because of the brutal treatment small market teams like the Montreal Expos, Kansas City Royals and Minnesota Twins are forced to endure. The Boss appears to take a greedy, almost sadistic pleasure in devastating these teams. At times, the camera lingers over the cruel torment and jubilant reactions of Yankees fans as their mammoth payroll devours that of the Marlins, Brewers, and Devil Rays.
“Although some of the film was in Aramaic and subtitled, you could really sense what it was like for the Minnesota Twins, as their life was sucked away when the trade neared execution," said Gary Thompson, Philadelphia Daily News. “At another point, you could actually feel the torture experienced by [Expos GM] Omar Minaya when the Boss maniacally dealt for Javier Vazquez.”
Even more agonizing is the way in which Steinbrenner causes Rex Sox fans horrible and excruciating grief by luring away the very player they had coveted.
"This was almost too much to stomach,” said Ryan Berger, a Red Sox fan. “In the film, Ben Affleck is bound and chained, thrown off a bridge, beaten and spat upon, kicked, mocked, has his shoulder ripped out of its socket and is flogged for half an hour. I really identified with the torture the Boss put Affleck through, but man, was that gory as hell.”
Relief from the images of major league baseball suffering at the hands of Steinbrenner comes only in the form of flashbacks that take the viewer back to baseball’s better years. In one scene, Minnesota Twins manager Tom Kelly is seen celebrating his team’s 1991 World Series win. And in another, Florida manager Jack McKeon pumps his fist after the small-market Marlins signed all-star catcher Ivan Rodriguez.
"The Passion of the Boss” follows the basic narrative of the trade first laid out in the Book of Gammons: A-Rod negotiates with his agent and the Rangers to pay part of his contract; Aaron Boone betrays baseball by injuring himself in a pick-up basketball game; the Red Sox deny A-Rod; and finally, small-market fans weep for baseball as the trade is approved by Commissioner Bud Selig.
Despite all the brutality and gore, the film does have its compassionate characters, and their small kindnesses stand out amid the bloody violence and ruthless power-*****ring that pervades the film.
The Boss shows no mercy in his torture of small-market teams
In one scene, a tear drips down Commissioner Bud Selig’s cheek as he has no choice but to sign off on the trade. In another, a woman risks her life to give the Expos a few of her own hard-earned dollars so that they might be able to re-sign Vladimir Guerrero. Later, the Public Relations department of the Pirates consoles its fans after the team folds.
Truly, the film’s most powerful scenes capture the incredible bond between die-hard Twins fans who toil in the obscurity and emptiness of the Metrodome and their once-proud franchise, as what few remain bear witness to their team’s torture. Their reactions become the audience’s reactions, and they feel the Twins’ pain.
“The Homer Dome may be a piece of shit, but it’s our piece of shit,” said Twins fan Kevin Knetsch, wiping away tears and blowing his nose.
In perhaps the movie’s most telling scene, it is the hand of Steinbrenner himself that is shown pounding the last nail into the coffin of baseball, as the rest of the Yankees take turns hoisting the 2004 World Series trophy they win in a four-game sweep of the Cubs. One of the lasting impressions of the film is that of a hopelessness that the Cubs, nor any small market team, will ever again reign over the baseball world.
But in the end, the prevailing message is that, although baseball suffered an intense, horrifying, tragic death, it becomes redeemed - saving the remaining professional sports by showing people that such inequity among teams creates only one real solution, a salary cap.
Millions of moviegoers flocked to theaters this past weekend to see the controversial movie “The Passion of the Boss,” which tells the heart-breaking story of the last 12 hours before Yankee owner George Steinbrenner crucified baseball by trading for Alex Rodriguez.
“If you’re faint of heart, or if you’re from a small market, I wouldn’t see this movie,” said Gerald Worth, Los Angeles Daily News. “The depiction of the heart being torn out of baseball by the ruthless Steinbrenner is something I won’t soon forget. If this doesn’t show the Boss’ inhumanity in its cruelest and most vile form, nothing does.”
The movie, directed by Tampa Bay Devil Ray’s manager Lou Piniella, has caused controversy among baseball fans because of the brutal treatment small market teams like the Montreal Expos, Kansas City Royals and Minnesota Twins are forced to endure. The Boss appears to take a greedy, almost sadistic pleasure in devastating these teams. At times, the camera lingers over the cruel torment and jubilant reactions of Yankees fans as their mammoth payroll devours that of the Marlins, Brewers, and Devil Rays.
“Although some of the film was in Aramaic and subtitled, you could really sense what it was like for the Minnesota Twins, as their life was sucked away when the trade neared execution," said Gary Thompson, Philadelphia Daily News. “At another point, you could actually feel the torture experienced by [Expos GM] Omar Minaya when the Boss maniacally dealt for Javier Vazquez.”
Even more agonizing is the way in which Steinbrenner causes Rex Sox fans horrible and excruciating grief by luring away the very player they had coveted.
"This was almost too much to stomach,” said Ryan Berger, a Red Sox fan. “In the film, Ben Affleck is bound and chained, thrown off a bridge, beaten and spat upon, kicked, mocked, has his shoulder ripped out of its socket and is flogged for half an hour. I really identified with the torture the Boss put Affleck through, but man, was that gory as hell.”
Relief from the images of major league baseball suffering at the hands of Steinbrenner comes only in the form of flashbacks that take the viewer back to baseball’s better years. In one scene, Minnesota Twins manager Tom Kelly is seen celebrating his team’s 1991 World Series win. And in another, Florida manager Jack McKeon pumps his fist after the small-market Marlins signed all-star catcher Ivan Rodriguez.
"The Passion of the Boss” follows the basic narrative of the trade first laid out in the Book of Gammons: A-Rod negotiates with his agent and the Rangers to pay part of his contract; Aaron Boone betrays baseball by injuring himself in a pick-up basketball game; the Red Sox deny A-Rod; and finally, small-market fans weep for baseball as the trade is approved by Commissioner Bud Selig.
Despite all the brutality and gore, the film does have its compassionate characters, and their small kindnesses stand out amid the bloody violence and ruthless power-*****ring that pervades the film.
The Boss shows no mercy in his torture of small-market teams
In one scene, a tear drips down Commissioner Bud Selig’s cheek as he has no choice but to sign off on the trade. In another, a woman risks her life to give the Expos a few of her own hard-earned dollars so that they might be able to re-sign Vladimir Guerrero. Later, the Public Relations department of the Pirates consoles its fans after the team folds.
Truly, the film’s most powerful scenes capture the incredible bond between die-hard Twins fans who toil in the obscurity and emptiness of the Metrodome and their once-proud franchise, as what few remain bear witness to their team’s torture. Their reactions become the audience’s reactions, and they feel the Twins’ pain.
“The Homer Dome may be a piece of shit, but it’s our piece of shit,” said Twins fan Kevin Knetsch, wiping away tears and blowing his nose.
In perhaps the movie’s most telling scene, it is the hand of Steinbrenner himself that is shown pounding the last nail into the coffin of baseball, as the rest of the Yankees take turns hoisting the 2004 World Series trophy they win in a four-game sweep of the Cubs. One of the lasting impressions of the film is that of a hopelessness that the Cubs, nor any small market team, will ever again reign over the baseball world.
But in the end, the prevailing message is that, although baseball suffered an intense, horrifying, tragic death, it becomes redeemed - saving the remaining professional sports by showing people that such inequity among teams creates only one real solution, a salary cap.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
A blonde out is out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouted, "How can I get to the other side of the river?"
The second blonde looked up the river then down the river and shouted back, "You ARE on the other side."
****
A minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Huntsville, Alabama. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would
like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Marine handed his drink back to the Attendant and said, "Me too. Can I change my order?."
****
A three year old boy in his bath examined his
testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"
"Not yet, honey," replied his mother. "Not yet."
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouted, "How can I get to the other side of the river?"
The second blonde looked up the river then down the river and shouted back, "You ARE on the other side."
****
A minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Huntsville, Alabama. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would
like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Marine handed his drink back to the Attendant and said, "Me too. Can I change my order?."
****
A three year old boy in his bath examined his
testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"
"Not yet, honey," replied his mother. "Not yet."
Bob was a dyed-in-the-wool Protestant with a penchant for the horses. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Bob was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bob made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bob collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bob bet on it, and it won! He was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bob began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Bob bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest. He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Bob was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bob made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bob collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bob bet on it, and it won! He was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bob began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Bob bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest. He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
A lonely widow, aged 75, decided it was time to re-marry. She put a want ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be a great lover in bed! All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sarcastically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you - you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I will not run around on you!" She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled and said, "Nor will I beat you!" The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still great in bed?" she asked. The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
********
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
HUSBAND WANTED
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be a great lover in bed! All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sarcastically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you - you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I will not run around on you!" She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled and said, "Nor will I beat you!" The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still great in bed?" she asked. The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
********
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good-looking older man and the other is a gorgeous blonde. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?" The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?" The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds.
As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the priest aside, the old man bolted upright in bed, smiling. "Did ye say prostitute? Bejasus... I thought ye said a PROTESTANT!!"
********
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,"Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"
The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn it! This one is barefoot, too!"
As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the priest aside, the old man bolted upright in bed, smiling. "Did ye say prostitute? Bejasus... I thought ye said a PROTESTANT!!"
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,"Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"
The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn it! This one is barefoot, too!"
A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"
