Code:
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Jy-mAx0jQfc&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Jy-mAx0jQfc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Hmmm still nt quite right, but this one is only audio and not video so should still work if you scroll down and press play
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/skCV2L0c6K0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/skCV2L0c6K0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
OT: The funniest late-nite joke ever played
Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman Reportedly Back Together.
If you watched Jimmy Kimmel you have seen:
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-PZNfOZXPJk&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-PZNfOZXPJk&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
then .............
<div><object width="420" height="339"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x6yyfz_sarah-silverman-im-fucking-matt-dam_music" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x6yyfz_sarah-silverman-im-fucking-matt-dam_music" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="339" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x6yyfz_sarah-silverman-im-fucking-matt-dam_music">Sarah Silverman i'm fucking matt damon</a></b><br /><i>by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/lyly_ford">lyly_ford</a></i></div>
then ..........
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tNkhWPThcf0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tNkhWPThcf0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
and then finally ....
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4rQNoW_shMc&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4rQNoW_shMc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman Reportedly Back Together.
If you watched Jimmy Kimmel you have seen:
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-PZNfOZXPJk&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-PZNfOZXPJk&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
then .............
<div><object width="420" height="339"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x6yyfz_sarah-silverman-im-fucking-matt-dam_music" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x6yyfz_sarah-silverman-im-fucking-matt-dam_music" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="339" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x6yyfz_sarah-silverman-im-fucking-matt-dam_music">Sarah Silverman i'm fucking matt damon</a></b><br /><i>by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/lyly_ford">lyly_ford</a></i></div>
then ..........
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tNkhWPThcf0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tNkhWPThcf0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
and then finally ....
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4rQNoW_shMc&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4rQNoW_shMc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Subject: Old Sailor
An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!
An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2hgGj8kbuRk&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2hgGj8kbuRk&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Kentuckian goes to the doctor for his physical exam..
He tells the doctor to please "find out whats wrong with him"
Doctor starts the exam and quickly says "well i can tell you right now, you are gonna have to quit masturbating"
Kentuckian says "really doctor, why?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
Doctor says "Cuz im trying to finish the exam"....
He tells the doctor to please "find out whats wrong with him"
Doctor starts the exam and quickly says "well i can tell you right now, you are gonna have to quit masturbating"
Kentuckian says "really doctor, why?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
Doctor says "Cuz im trying to finish the exam"....
<table style='font:11px arial; color:#333; background-color:#f5f5f5' cellpadding='0' cellspacing='0' width='360' height='353'><tbody><tr style='background-color:#e5e5e5' valign='middle'><td style='padding:2px 1px 0px 5px;'><a target='_blank' style='color:#333; text-decoration:none; font-weight:bold;' href='http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/chappelles_show/index.jhtml'>Chappelle's Show</a></td><td style='padding:2px 5px 0px 5px; text-align:right; font-weight:bold;'></td></tr><tr style='height:14px;' valign='middle'><td style='padding:2px 1px 0px 5px;' colspan='2'><a target='_blank' style='color:#333; text-decoration:none; font-weight:bold;' href='http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=219360&title=wacarnolds'>WacArnold's</a></td></tr><tr style='height:14px; background-color:#353535' valign='middle'><td colspan='2' style='padding:2px 5px 0px 5px; width:360px; overflow:hidden; text-align:right'><a target='_blank' style='color:#96deff; text-decoration:none; font-weight:bold;' href='http://www.comedycentral.com/'>www.comedycentral.com</a></td></tr><tr valign='middle'><td style='padding:0px;' colspan='2'><embed style='display:block' src='http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:item:comedycentral.com:219360' width='360' height='301' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' wmode='window' allowFullscreen='true' flashvars='autoPlay=false' allowscriptaccess='always' allownetworking='all' bgcolor='#000000'></embed></td></tr><tr style='height:18px;' valign='middle'><td style='padding:0px;' colspan='2'><table style='margin:0px; text-align:center' cellpadding='0' cellspacing='0' width='100%' height='100%'><tr valign='middle'><td style='padding:3px; width:33%;'><a target='_blank' style='font:10px arial; color:#333; text-decoration:none;' href='http://shop.comedycentral.com/?v=comedy-central_shows_chappelles-show&SESSID=870783e1901f9dd5c2769413fc45aa24'>Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs</a></td><td style='padding:3px; width:33%;'><a target='_blank' style='font:10px arial; color:#333; text-decoration:none;' href='http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/chappelles_show/videos/index.jhtml'>Black Comedy</a></td><td style='padding:3px; width:33%;'><a target='_blank' style='font:10px arial; color:#333; text-decoration:none;' href='http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=11909&title=hes-rick-james'>True Hollywood Story</a></td></tr></table></td></tr></tbody></table>
--- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of
in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of
in there. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
t's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49 not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52.. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49 not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52.. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
GEOGRAPHY
OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa :
half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally
beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe :
well developed and open to trade, especially for
someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain :
very hot, relaxed, and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece :
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to
visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great
Britain : with a glorious and all conquering
past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel :
has been through war, doesn't make the same
mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a
woman is like Canada : self-preserving,
but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly
beautiful, with
a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A
MAN
Between
12 and 90, a man is
like Iran : ruled by
nuts.
OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa :
half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally
beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe :
well developed and open to trade, especially for
someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain :
very hot, relaxed, and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece :
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to
visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great
Britain : with a glorious and all conquering
past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel :
has been through war, doesn't make the same
mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a
woman is like Canada : self-preserving,
but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly
beautiful, with
a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A
MAN
Between
12 and 90, a man is
like Iran : ruled by
nuts.
Top 5 reasons computers must be women.
5 .No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Every smallest mistake is immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I'm mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you".
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5 .No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Every smallest mistake is immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I'm mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you".
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Sometime later this year, we Taxpayers may again receive an Economic
Stimulus Payment. The Obama Administration is very excited about this new
program. Let me try to explain to you how it works using a simple Q and A
format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you buy a computer, it will go to India .
If you buy fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and
Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 Spending it at yard sales, or
2 Going to ball games, or
3 Spending it on prostitutes, or
4 Beer or
5 Tattoos.
These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .
----------------
So, I'm going to go to a ball game and drink beer with a tattooed
prostitute that I met at a yard sale.
Stimulus Payment. The Obama Administration is very excited about this new
program. Let me try to explain to you how it works using a simple Q and A
format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you buy a computer, it will go to India .
If you buy fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and
Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 Spending it at yard sales, or
2 Going to ball games, or
3 Spending it on prostitutes, or
4 Beer or
5 Tattoos.
These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .
----------------
So, I'm going to go to a ball game and drink beer with a tattooed
prostitute that I met at a yard sale.
Two buddies, Lyle and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Larry throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Lyle says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars
for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of
alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, 'Nowainaminit,
I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only
had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry
an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks..'
'Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'
Larry throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Lyle says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars
for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of
alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, 'Nowainaminit,
I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only
had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry
an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks..'
'Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends
over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have
no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking
of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends
over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have
no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking
of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
