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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' '
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' '
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass
ZEN SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone .
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and a leaky tire .
3. It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it..
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day..
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a women. Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone .
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and a leaky tire .
3. It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it..
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day..
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a women. Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
> *There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted
> organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
> played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
> considerably. *
>
> **
> *The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to
> be done about this or they would have to get another organist. *
>
> **
> *So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to
> mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts
> and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the
> green persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your
> mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'. *
>
> **
> *She agreed to try it. *
>
> **
> *The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and
> said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a
> thermon tewday.'*
> organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
> played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
> considerably. *
>
> **
> *The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to
> be done about this or they would have to get another organist. *
>
> **
> *So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to
> mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts
> and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the
> green persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your
> mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'. *
>
> **
> *She agreed to try it. *
>
> **
> *The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and
> said... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a
> thermon tewday.'*
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
fficeffice" /><o
></o>
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama
needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed .
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.<o></o>
<!-- END WEBMAIL STATIONERY -->
fficeffice" /><o></o>An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama
needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed .
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.<o
></o><!-- END WEBMAIL STATIONERY -->
this guy cracks me up every time i see this...
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Justin Timberlake and Beyonce doing "single ladies".....LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBC7pilGoPc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBC7pilGoPc&feature=related
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
"ALL PUNS INTENDED "
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes s he also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21.. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes s he also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21.. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Little Johnny was in the kitchen fixing himself a bowl of ice cream. His mother came downstairs and caught him. "Little Johnny," she exclaimed, "get out of that ice cream before you ruin your dinner! Why don't you go play?"
"I don't have no one to play with," Little Johnny said.
"Well, I'll play with you," said his mother. "What would you like to play?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Let's play the mommy daddy game. You go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
So his mother complies. A few minutes later Little Johnny comes into the room, wearing his dad's fedora, his dad's pipe hanging from his mouth.
"What do I do now?" his mother asks.
"Get off your lazy ass, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
"I don't have no one to play with," Little Johnny said.
"Well, I'll play with you," said his mother. "What would you like to play?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Let's play the mommy daddy game. You go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
So his mother complies. A few minutes later Little Johnny comes into the room, wearing his dad's fedora, his dad's pipe hanging from his mouth.
"What do I do now?" his mother asks.
"Get off your lazy ass, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfe7EAdxXkY
Denzel Washington impersonation. Spot on.
Great thread by the way.
Denzel Washington impersonation. Spot on.
Great thread by the way.
little johnny #2
Little Johnny moves to a new school for getting into gambling related trouble. During his first day in class, he raises his hand.
"What is it?" asks the young teacher.
"I bet you $10 that you have a mole on your butt."
Sensing an oppurtunity to teach Little Johnny a lesson, she tells Little Johnny to stay after class. Once the other kids are gone, she takes Little Johnny up on his bet. Little Johnny, looking dejected, gives her $10.
Later that evening Little Johnny's dad called the young teacher, madder than hell. "He lost $10," the teacher explained. "He'll think twice before he wants to bet again."
"You don't understand," says Little Johnny's dad. "He bet me 50 this morning that he'd see your ass before the end of the day!"
Little Johnny moves to a new school for getting into gambling related trouble. During his first day in class, he raises his hand.
"What is it?" asks the young teacher.
"I bet you $10 that you have a mole on your butt."
Sensing an oppurtunity to teach Little Johnny a lesson, she tells Little Johnny to stay after class. Once the other kids are gone, she takes Little Johnny up on his bet. Little Johnny, looking dejected, gives her $10.
Later that evening Little Johnny's dad called the young teacher, madder than hell. "He lost $10," the teacher explained. "He'll think twice before he wants to bet again."
"You don't understand," says Little Johnny's dad. "He bet me 50 this morning that he'd see your ass before the end of the day!"
It may be an oldie but it's a goodie!!!!!
Nookie Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Nookie Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman
tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her
free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno . . . Never found the head!"
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman
tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her
free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno . . . Never found the head!"
MUSIC OF THE TREE
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..........."
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..........."
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