I was spending the weekend at a friend's house in St Louis, going to some Cubs/Cards games. It was him and his wife, his 2 kids, my ex and me, and a couple other dudes staying there.
Wife and I take the bedroom in the basement. This guy's basement had a finished bar room and one guest bedroom, and an unfinished portion with washer/dryer. Everyone else stayed upstairs.
The first night we get there we all get TRASHED in this guy's bar. Up til 3am tearing through Jager from his Jager machine. I wake up at about 5am not knowing where I am. It's pitch black. Apparently I fell asleep with my head on the bar and they all just left me there to sleep it off.
So what woke me up was the impending dire need to take a shit. I remember it vividly, I don't think I've ever had to shit so bad in my life. By the time I figure out where I am and what's going on, I am fully clenched. There was no bathroom in the basement, so I realize I have to get upstairs.
It takes me a solid 3 minutes to find my way out of the bar room and to the steps. I take the first step up and I start leaking out my asshole. This is happening right now and there's no way I'm making it to the bathroom. So I look over and can faintly make out the washer/dryer (it's still dark in the whole basement), and realize there is a drain on the floor. So I drop trow and shit all over this guy's basement floor, in the general direction of the floor drain.
After I am done, I find the light, turn it on, and proceed to run cups of hot water down the drain. I had sharted in my boxers a lil bit so I took them off and threw them in the washer. Went upstairs and wiped my ass. All seemed well, so I went back to bed with the plan that I would pop the boxers in the dryer first thing in the AM and never tell anyone.
I lay down in bed and realize it smells like shit. I can't figure out where it is coming from. I realize I had shat all over my ankles/legs when I was crouching over the drain, and had gotten back into bed and smeared it all over the sheets.
I get back up, and wake the wife up, cause now I have to put the sheets in the wash. She is basically incoherent and lets me strip the bed, and she just passes back out on the bare mattress.
I needed to go upstairs and take a shower. Instead of putting on a new pair of boxers or pants, I just wrap a towel around my waist.
I meet my buddy's wife in the hallway, who had come downstairs and was wondering why the washer was running. There I stand, shitty boxers in the washer, shitty sheets in hand, shit all over my ankles, with a towel around my waist - and had to explain what happened.
That was probably my lowest and most embarrassing moment.
