Hondo
Hondo doling out gifts
Oh, come all ye HondoNation faithful, joyful and triumphant — at least you were until Week 15 when Hondo found himself caught in a mini-polar vortex that put a 7-8-1 chill in his recent hot streak.
Nevertheless, if you gather ’round the Bettor’s Guide pages and feast your eyes on the wonderful presents below, chances are you’ll log your share of winners.
Patriots over Jets: Sheldon Richardson has been disciplined for last Saturday’s vulgar pregame rant on Snapchat. The Jets aren’t saying what the punishment is, but Mr. Aitch hears they have decided not to tell him “where the ho’s at” in Foxborough.
With Richardson having rarely made contact with quarterbacks this season, Todd Bowles might want to ask his DE: “Where the sacks at?”
Bears over Redskins: The New York Historical Society is saving the Post-it notes in which fragile Democrats expressed their post-election emotions and then pasted them on a wall at Union Square Subway station. Those will be fun for future generations, who will be able to look at them and hopefully get a good laugh out of how the whimpering ’Crats dealt with defeat in 2016.
Is there a subway station where everyone who is totally fed up with the sore losers can post some shove-it notes? … Rumor has it Martin Sheen, Debra Messing and the rest of the Hollywood snivelers are making a video demanding a recount of the Electoral College vote.
Bills over Dolphins: From HondoNation SoBe Correspondent BarkingMut: “Now that failed Prez candidate Hillary Clinton will be stuck in Chappaqua along with her private home server, it appears hubby Bill’s own alleged private home server — nickamed “The Energizer” — will have to be booted.
Regarding Bill Clinton playing the race card with his left-handed compliment of Donald Trump — “One thing [Trump] does know is how to get angry white men to vote for him” — emauler Ed Buckmir points out El Donaldo probably can count on Bubba’s vote in 2020.
Saints over Buccaneers: Alabama hired Steve Sarkisian this week as its new offensive coordinator. Word out of Tuscaloosa is that “Cutty Sark” was the choice because of his ability to brew up plays that can keep an offense chugging.
Falcons over Panthers: Obama this week pardoned 78 prisoners and shortened the sentences of 153 more, most of whom were convicted of drug offenses. Clearly, the President feels a special “there but for the grace of God go I” kinship with the inmates because of his high-school days when he was a devoted member of the Choom Gang.
Packers over Vikings: The Commander-in-Chief also plans to free 18 more prisoners from Gitmo. While the President claims the facility is a recruiting tool for terror groups, it’s likely the opposite is true, with prospective members being told: “Don’t worry, even if you get captured, Obama will let you go.”
Titans over Jaguars: Tom Coughlin reportedly is in the hunt to replace Gus Bradley as Jaguars’ coach. If experience is the main criterion, general manager David Caldwell, whose record at Jacksonville mirrors Bradley’s 14-48, shouldn’t be too quick to bring in Tommy Tight Butt — not while Bud Grant and Marv Levy are available.
Browns over Chargers: From emailer Joe Munster, commenting on the security guard caught apparently pleasuring himself a couple of times during Sunday’s Chargers loss at Qualcomm Stadium: “It’s about time someone enjoyed themselves at a Chargers game.”
Word is the security guard was flagged for several infractions, among them: Encrotchment, illegal motion, personal foul, illegal use of the hand, and intentional pounding.
Raiders over Colts: Hillary and Bill were at the Carlyle Hotel on Friday to see singer Steve Tyrell. Hondo hears Tyrell’s set originally was going to include his rendition of “Blame it on the Bossa Nova,” but he didn’t want to give her any ideas.
Rams over 49ers: Rumor has it Santa Claus is giving the Perpetually Prevaricating and Portly Pantsuit a new mirror on Christmas so she finally will be able to see who was responsible for her loss to Trump.
Cardinals over Seahawks: RIP “Lefty the Deer,” who died at the Harlem Animal Care and Control Center while Andrew Cuomo and Bill “The Big Doof” de Blasio were arguing about whether to move him upstate or euthanize him. If you had a buck for every time the mayor and governor bickered about an issue, you’d have a huge deer herd.
Bengals over Texans: A Savage beating awaits the former Rutgers quarterback, who’s now at the helm for the Texans. Speaking of Rutgers, the NCAA conducted an 18-month probe of the university’s football program and found seven possible violations. That’s not all that surprising — how else were the Scarlet Knights going to beat mighty Howard University this season?
Steelers over Ravens: According to Richard Johnson, a movie script about Monica Lewinsky’s romping White House internship is being shopped in Hollywood? One thing is for sure, the role of the Portly Pepperpot can’t be played by someone weak in the knees.
Chiefs over Broncos: Obama, speaking at his get-away day press conference before leaving for Hawaii last Friday, claimed he issued a stern warning to Vladimir Putin in September about trying to influence the election by hacking, telling him “to cut it out” or face “serious consequences.” When Putin heard that he no doubt laughed and responded, “What are you going to do, Barack, draw a red line?”
Lions over Cowboys: The ’Boys haven’t covered in a month, and Hondo has the losses to show for it. They will win, but it will be a late Christmas miracle produced by the missile toe of Dan Bailey.
Best Bets: Patriots, Packers, Steelers.
Thursday: Giants (L).
Merry Christmas to all and to all a big bunch of Week 16 winners.
