Jim Bakker wants you to be prepared for when the world starts to fall apart.
Jim Bakker Has Risen Again To Sell You Doomsday Kibble
During the 1980s, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker were televangelism's brightest, weepiest luminaries. But multiple scandals led to divorce and sent mascara-streaked Tammy Faye into obscurity and a
terrified Jim to prison. After serving a 45-year sentence that was
drastically reduced on appeal to a mere few years, he returned to the free world in 1994 and wisely laid low. Staying under the radar for a few years was probably his only option, as many in his community of holy rollers considered him a deviant liar and thief, as well as "
the greatest scab and cancer on the face of Christianity in 2,000 years of church history." The release of a 647-page
mea culpa in 1996 did little to improve his public image.
<img alt="All sins are forgivable when you're responsible for such godly works as Jessica Hahn's
Playboy shoot." class="lazy" data-src="https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/2/9/0/657290_v2.jpg" src="https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/2/9/0/657290_v2.jpg" data-loaded="true" width="300" height="437">
And then, suddenly, after 30 years of skulking in the shadows of shame and degradation, Jim Bakker rose again like a bald, creepy-looking phoenix to bring the world a new message from a compound located somewhere deep within the Ozarks of Missouri: Doomsday is coming soon. But all is well, gentle readers, because he's got
buckets of slop to carry you through what he and his new Tammy Faye doppelganger of a wife Lori will happily sell you for anywhere in the vicinity of $100-$10,000. Perhaps you've seen Vic Berger's helpful re-edit of Bakker's sales pitch:
Since Lord knows what may befall us in the near future, be it widespread destruction in the form of Kim Jong-un's godless hordes or some kind of irradiated gay zombie situation, you'll appreciate the utility of a product that can serve both as furniture and a portable toilet (both features for which the buckets are advertised, and not anything we made up). Perhaps the saddest part of this spectacle (aside from the thought of the people actually handing over their credit card numbers) are the clearly talented musicians who agreed to perform mangled cover versions of classic songs. Such as "My Girl" by The Temptations,
with the following lyrics:
I'
ve got burgers made with beans, they'
re never fried
Saw the chips and salsa to keep you warm way deep inside (oh yeah)
I guess you'
d say, Jim and Lori helped me be prepared today
For End Times.
I'
m talking '
bout End Times
But what everyone is probably wondering right now is "JUST HOW DELICIOUS IS THIS AMAZING FOOD?" Well, let's just say that if you're a fan of "
lingering aftertastes" and "chemical undertones," it looks like where your personal apocalypse is concerned, the real Rapture will be in your mouth.
- Cracked,
https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-famously-awful-televangelists-who-are-somehow-still-around/
