What You Have To Believe To Be A Republican

[Brazil4Worldcup2002]

-Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

-The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

-Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

-"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

-A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

-Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

-The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

-Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

-If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

*-A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

-HMO's and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

-Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

*-Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

-A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

-Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

-The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

-You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

-What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

-Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

 

[TheFunkMonkey]

In the interest of equal time:

How To Be A Good Democrat

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese Communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by liberal yuppies driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment, but in favor of abortion-on-demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important that actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex-offender belong in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic funding by the Chinese Communists is somehow in the best interest of the United States.