Anyways, so this really isn't a story, but yeah basically we went on a cruise last summer to Alaska, and they had this Men's Hairy Chest competiton(apparently it's like a cruise ship tradition). So I gotta enter because I'm quite simply the hairiest beast on the face of the earth...so I get up there and about 5 other middle-aged white guys get up there too. We all still got our shirts on, and I'm thinking that we're just gonna take our shirts off, they'll see who has the hairiest chest, I'll win some $, and then walk off stage. I was wrong. Dude next to me tells me that we have to do all this crap like yell like Tarzan, do some stripclub dance shit or somethin, crap like that. I'm like, "fuck this, I'm not wasted, I can't do this," and actually contemplating quitting, but then realize that I know NOBODY on the ship and will see none of them ever again, so I said fuck it and stayed in...wishing I was hammered. Anyways, so there's a big crowd watching as we're about to get started(it was on the pool deck), and the host is explaining the rules. There are three separate contests you can win. The first is the tarzan yell, where you do your best tarzan impression into the mic. The next is the Chip N' Dales dance contest, where you have to dance to some music like a male stripper kinda in the crowd...so now I'm REALLY wishing I was hammered. The last contest is you walk up to these two middle-aged women at the top of the pool(you make your way up there after your strip dance), and they proceed to run their hands through your chest hair, and they and the crowd determine a winner, for what is essentially the hairiest chest. So finally the guy tells all of us to take our shirts off. So I take mine off with the rest of the guys, at which point the crowd collectively gasps, the guy next to me starts laughing hysterically, another guy tries walking off stage, conceding defeat, and another guy says to the host, "that guy's a grizzly bear." I'm standing there looking like a freak the entire time.
So anyways, the contest finally starts. You do everything at the same time, first the tarzan yell, then walk down the stage and start your strip dance, then go to the ladies. I'm last in line, so I get to see these guys make complete asses outta themselves. It was hilarious. Some of these guys are fuckin hilarious, and some are AMAZING at the tarzan yell. So finally my turn comes. I completely suck at the tarzan yell, do it for about one second and then stop and say into the mic, "I can't do that shit." Then the music comes on and I have to do my strip dance...again, wishing I was black-out drunk. Unfortunately, I am not. But somehow I enter the zone. I have no idea how, but I proceeded to do the most retarded shit ever. I had my shirt with me, so I started waving that shit in the air, then went up to this pole on stage and started doing random gay stripping shit on the pole. Then I started doing it to some random woman standing next to it. It was then that I put the nail in the coffin. 10 seconds into it, I sealed up the W. This lady in a wheelchair was sitting next to the first lady. So I get on top of her and start basically dry humping this lady, putting my shirt around her, turn around and get my ass all up in her lap and face and whatnot. I seriously was in the fucking zone. Reminded me of a high school bball game I played when I was dropping three's like it was my fuckin job, playing outta my mind. It was seriously an out-of-body experience. Anyways, so the crowd was going completely nuts. I get off the lady and start to make my way up to the two hairy chest judges, but before I get there I go up to some random woman standing there and throw my shirt around her and start grinding with her. She was actually great, she got into it and was a good sport, so it was money. Actually everyone I was retarded with was a good sport, which made it much better for me. Anyways, so then I get up to the pool which was above the crowd, and these two ladies are running their hands through my jungle of a chest, and I've got my hands in the air motioning to the crowd and shit...the place is seriously going fucking insane. I know I've got that shit in the bag. It was over. Game, set, match. White bitches wetting themselves all over the place.
So I walk back up to the main stage and all the guys on stage are like giving me high-fives and shit. We line up again and the host goes through the contests. Again, I'm at the end of the line. Crowd applause determines the winner for each, so the crowd has to clap and shit for each of the contestants. The winner of the whole thing gets this Cruise Ship Trophy thing. First is the tarzan yell, which I obviously lose(one guy was seriously amazing at it, he won in a runaway). Then comes the strip dance. The crowd politely, softly claps for the first five guys...then the judge comes to me, where the place proceeds to errupt. I didn't realize how good/bad I was until I saw the crowd reaction. I said I was in the zone earlier, but I really didn't know how I stacked up against the other guys until that moment(I said I put the nail in the coffin and all that other crap as in hindsight and from what I was told, although I got pretty damned good indication when I was motioning to the crowd on top of the pool when they were going nuts). Anyways, so the place errupts, and I win that one in a landslide. Then the hairy chest contest comes, and it's just like the strip dance, where no one is really clapping for anyone else, just waiting for the judge to walk to me. At this point, even the judge knows what's going on(it was pretty obvious, as I am, as previously stated, the hairiest man on earth). So he finally gets to me and the crowd errupts again and he had brought the trophy with him and just gave it to me. It was hilarious.
So I won two outta three. But get this: the host says some shit after he gave me my trophy like, "everyone's a winner though, right people?" and ends up giving EVERYONE a trophy. I'm thinking I'm gonna get a gift certificate or something, but I didn't get anything. I was pissed. But oh well. People recognized me and said shit to me for the rest of the cruise. One woman was like "you could be a real Chip N' Dales dancer!" I was like, "lady, I look like a pregnant man. Gimme a break. Make love to me."
I think my brothers have some pictures of me standing on stage. The thing was taped, so I actually have like a 2 second highlight of me doing that shit. They didn't give a tape of the entire contest, which pissed me off, but oh well. I think one second is me grinding on some lady, the other is me on the pool stage motioning to the crowd and smiling with these old white ladies' hands all up in my chest hair. Good stuff.
So that's the "story." And this took entirely too long to type, jesus christ. But yeah, there ya go. I'm off to go masturbate till I pass out.
