Hondo
Hondo serves a holiday picks buffet
By now, the Yule Log embers are cooling and the reindeer droppings have been rinsed from the roof, which means it’s time for Hondo, who surged above .500 with a 10-6 record in Week 16, to unveil his final regular-season selections.
As the 2014 curtain falls, Mr. Aitch confidently begins the end with:
Jets over Dolphins: A fond farewell to Rex Ryan. He will be missed, because, after all, what are the chances Gang Green’s next leader will be a fun-loving, finger-flipping, F-bomb dropping, foot-fetishing, trash-talking, no-Belichick-ring-kissing, Super Bowl-guaranteeing, phenomenal mad scientist of a defensive coach who provided as much entertainment as any New York sports figure the last six years? The answers: none; Rex guarantees it.
From BarkingMut of SoBe, the HondoNation Southern Bureau Chief: Soon-to-be-canned Rex Ryan, who promised fans at his opening presser he and the Jets would be visiting The White House before he is through, now will have to jump the fence to get in, like everyone else.
Giants over Eagles: Coughlin and Co. have done their best work since being eliminated from contention. Hondo probably isn’t venturing too far out on a limb by predicting a monster day for OBJ against the Eagles’ slow-footed, big-play giving secondary.
Packers over Lions: Copious props and pounds are due Ms. Charleen, who kept her run of Bettor’s Guide Women’s Division titles alive. When the conversation turns to the all-time legendary streaks — DiMaggio’s “56,” Rice’s “274” and Ripken’s “2,632” — the “25” straight WD crowns won by the Native Canadian and ex-Post Sports Dept. secretary formerly known as Typing Bear has to be included.
Texans over Jaguars: Robert Kennedy Jr. has been invited to be a contestant on “Dancing With The Stars.” Rumor has it his wife, Cheryl Hines, isn’t crazy about the idea because she’s concerned week-long bumping and grinding sessions with some smokin’ dance instructor could activate his semi-dormant lust demons.
Titans over Colts: Legendary DJ Casey Kasem, who died June 15, finally was buried last week at the Vestre Gravlund in Norway. Counting down the world’s top 40 graveyards, VG, as the Nords call it, is No. 24 on the list with 243 peaceful acres that make it the country’s largest boneyard and a most comfortable eternal resting place.
Ravens over Browns: A panel of experts working with the Secret Service to help keep fence jumpers off the White House grounds and out of the President’s home has advised the agency to “raise the fence.” Thank God there are brilliant minds capable of figuring out how to stay one step ahead of the intruders. Hondo’s no expert, but here’s another suggestion that could help: Lock the doors!
Bills over Patriots: The American Kennel Club seems to be going to great lengths to knock off the invincible terrier, having approved four new breeds that will be able to compete in the dog shows. If that doesn’t work, then the terrierists have won.
Panthers over Falcons: Cop-ripping, protester-backing Mayor de Blasio de blasted the media this week for dividing the city. It not only angers him but also makes him jealous because he knows mayors in other cities such as Moscow and Havana don’t have to deal with that kind of media issue.
Vikings over Bears: George Clooney tried to play the tough-guy role after Sony caved to threats and canceled the release of “The Interview.” Apparently, he was trying to show his range as an actor after nailing the complete wimp role in an email in which he whined to a Sony exec about needing “protection” from the bad reviews for “The Monuments Men.”
It’s a tossup as to who has thinner skin, George Clooney or Phil Jackson.
Chargers over Chiefs: Obama second-guessed Sony for canceling its release of “The Interview,” saying: “We cannot have a society in which some dictator someplace can start imposing censorship here in the United States.” He’s so right. U.S. censorship should be the exclusive domain of King Barack I, who tried to censor the “offensive video” he erroneously blamed for the Benghazi attack.
Redskins over Cowboys: According to another hacked email, Sony co-Chairman Amy Pascal called Adam Sandler an “a–hole” because of his money demands. Having already pleaded for forgiveness from Al Sharpton for sending some racially charged emails, Pascal now is rumored to be seeking absolution from Alec Baldwin for sending rectally charged emails.
Saints over Buccaneers: Hate to back the league’s most underachieving team, but the Bucs have too much to lose by winning.
Rams over Seahawks: Why the Rams? Hondo will borrow from the words of Marshawn Lynch, who when repeatedly asked after his incredible Sunday night TD jaunt replied repeatedly: “Thanks for asking. ’Preciate it.”
Cardinals over 49ers: Jim Harbaugh on whether he will be going to Michigan: “What will happen, will happen. What won’t, won’t.” That keen sense of what the future holds explains why Harbaugh is so much in demand for next season.
Broncos over Raiders: Cuban spy Gerardo Hernandez, who was released as part of Obama’s normalization of relations with the Castro brothers, artificially inseminated his wife while in a US prison, according to reports. That may have been a violation of the embargo, which means someone in the Obama Administration has spermatozoa on his hands. … Hondo’s first heir guesses if the embargo violator is to be prosecuted he will have to be caught white-handed.
Bengals over Steelers: Let’s hope the ending to the NFL regular season will be better than the “Homeland” finale. Having the head of the CIA walk in a tray of lasagna to a grieving agent’s house didn’t exactly leave the viewer hungering for more. Maybe the break will be good, because it will give the CIA chief time to make some quilts for his favorite agents.
Best bets: Packers, Texans, Chargers.
Happy New Year, HondoNation.
Hondo serves a holiday picks buffet
By now, the Yule Log embers are cooling and the reindeer droppings have been rinsed from the roof, which means it’s time for Hondo, who surged above .500 with a 10-6 record in Week 16, to unveil his final regular-season selections.
As the 2014 curtain falls, Mr. Aitch confidently begins the end with:
Jets over Dolphins: A fond farewell to Rex Ryan. He will be missed, because, after all, what are the chances Gang Green’s next leader will be a fun-loving, finger-flipping, F-bomb dropping, foot-fetishing, trash-talking, no-Belichick-ring-kissing, Super Bowl-guaranteeing, phenomenal mad scientist of a defensive coach who provided as much entertainment as any New York sports figure the last six years? The answers: none; Rex guarantees it.
From BarkingMut of SoBe, the HondoNation Southern Bureau Chief: Soon-to-be-canned Rex Ryan, who promised fans at his opening presser he and the Jets would be visiting The White House before he is through, now will have to jump the fence to get in, like everyone else.
Giants over Eagles: Coughlin and Co. have done their best work since being eliminated from contention. Hondo probably isn’t venturing too far out on a limb by predicting a monster day for OBJ against the Eagles’ slow-footed, big-play giving secondary.
Packers over Lions: Copious props and pounds are due Ms. Charleen, who kept her run of Bettor’s Guide Women’s Division titles alive. When the conversation turns to the all-time legendary streaks — DiMaggio’s “56,” Rice’s “274” and Ripken’s “2,632” — the “25” straight WD crowns won by the Native Canadian and ex-Post Sports Dept. secretary formerly known as Typing Bear has to be included.
Texans over Jaguars: Robert Kennedy Jr. has been invited to be a contestant on “Dancing With The Stars.” Rumor has it his wife, Cheryl Hines, isn’t crazy about the idea because she’s concerned week-long bumping and grinding sessions with some smokin’ dance instructor could activate his semi-dormant lust demons.
Titans over Colts: Legendary DJ Casey Kasem, who died June 15, finally was buried last week at the Vestre Gravlund in Norway. Counting down the world’s top 40 graveyards, VG, as the Nords call it, is No. 24 on the list with 243 peaceful acres that make it the country’s largest boneyard and a most comfortable eternal resting place.
Ravens over Browns: A panel of experts working with the Secret Service to help keep fence jumpers off the White House grounds and out of the President’s home has advised the agency to “raise the fence.” Thank God there are brilliant minds capable of figuring out how to stay one step ahead of the intruders. Hondo’s no expert, but here’s another suggestion that could help: Lock the doors!
Bills over Patriots: The American Kennel Club seems to be going to great lengths to knock off the invincible terrier, having approved four new breeds that will be able to compete in the dog shows. If that doesn’t work, then the terrierists have won.
Panthers over Falcons: Cop-ripping, protester-backing Mayor de Blasio de blasted the media this week for dividing the city. It not only angers him but also makes him jealous because he knows mayors in other cities such as Moscow and Havana don’t have to deal with that kind of media issue.
Vikings over Bears: George Clooney tried to play the tough-guy role after Sony caved to threats and canceled the release of “The Interview.” Apparently, he was trying to show his range as an actor after nailing the complete wimp role in an email in which he whined to a Sony exec about needing “protection” from the bad reviews for “The Monuments Men.”
It’s a tossup as to who has thinner skin, George Clooney or Phil Jackson.
Chargers over Chiefs: Obama second-guessed Sony for canceling its release of “The Interview,” saying: “We cannot have a society in which some dictator someplace can start imposing censorship here in the United States.” He’s so right. U.S. censorship should be the exclusive domain of King Barack I, who tried to censor the “offensive video” he erroneously blamed for the Benghazi attack.
Redskins over Cowboys: According to another hacked email, Sony co-Chairman Amy Pascal called Adam Sandler an “a–hole” because of his money demands. Having already pleaded for forgiveness from Al Sharpton for sending some racially charged emails, Pascal now is rumored to be seeking absolution from Alec Baldwin for sending rectally charged emails.
Saints over Buccaneers: Hate to back the league’s most underachieving team, but the Bucs have too much to lose by winning.
Rams over Seahawks: Why the Rams? Hondo will borrow from the words of Marshawn Lynch, who when repeatedly asked after his incredible Sunday night TD jaunt replied repeatedly: “Thanks for asking. ’Preciate it.”
Cardinals over 49ers: Jim Harbaugh on whether he will be going to Michigan: “What will happen, will happen. What won’t, won’t.” That keen sense of what the future holds explains why Harbaugh is so much in demand for next season.
Broncos over Raiders: Cuban spy Gerardo Hernandez, who was released as part of Obama’s normalization of relations with the Castro brothers, artificially inseminated his wife while in a US prison, according to reports. That may have been a violation of the embargo, which means someone in the Obama Administration has spermatozoa on his hands. … Hondo’s first heir guesses if the embargo violator is to be prosecuted he will have to be caught white-handed.
Bengals over Steelers: Let’s hope the ending to the NFL regular season will be better than the “Homeland” finale. Having the head of the CIA walk in a tray of lasagna to a grieving agent’s house didn’t exactly leave the viewer hungering for more. Maybe the break will be good, because it will give the CIA chief time to make some quilts for his favorite agents.
Best bets: Packers, Texans, Chargers.
Happy New Year, HondoNation.
