HONDO Free Football
Hondo inched above .500 by going 7-5-1 in Week 9. That’s nothing to brag about unless compared to the horrific and humiliating 2-10-1 record posted by the only person in America to have a worse week than Hillary Clinton. Take a bow, Mark Cannizzaro.
Rams over Jets: Now that Ryan Fitzpatrick has a league-leading 13 interceptions and a quarterback rating only the mother of Case Keenum could love, it’s time to recheck with Fitz and see if it’s OK to stop believing in him. His atrocious stats and Gang Green’s 3-6 record provide more than enough Petty grievances for those ready to make the move to Bryce. Muhammad Wilkerson and Sheldon Richardson, whose tardiness earned them a first-quarter benching against the Dolphins, have the same problem on the field. With four sacks between them, they are as late getting to the quarterback as they are to meetings.
Texans over Jaguars: Roger Goodell and the other members of the Pro Football Hall of Fame’s Board of Trustees are refusing to give the families of Ken Stabler, Junior Seau and Bruce Allen their HOF rings and gold jackets. Given the commissioner’s reputation for gouging (see charging the military for patriotic displays at NFL games), he probably is holding out until the families make a big-money offer for the mementos.
Panthers over Chiefs: Now that Hillary is hanging up the double-wide pantsuit and ditching the hot sauce, it’s time to examine the causes of the painful and herstoric failure. Hondo’s research indicates lack of participation by millennials was a factor. Apparently, they were unable to muster the strength needed to leave their parents’ basements and go vote.
Broncos over Saints: Jay Z’s weekend performance at a Hillary rally in Cleveland probably didn’t help, either. Dropping F- and N-bombs and singing “Middle Finger to the Lord” as the ’Crats’ candidate delightedly clapped along likely was a bit off-putting. And don’t underestimate the fear of having a featherweight like Tim Kaine being a heartbeat away from the Oval Office. Another reason? By voting in Donald Trump, the electorate was hammering home a message to all the celebrity tools who promised to relocate if he won: Please leave the country immediately!
Falcons over Eagles: Ultimately, Hillary’s case of the “uns” may have been the most important factor — being untrustworthy, unlikable, unappealing and unbelievable made her unelectable. It’s hard to gauge who’s grieving more about Trump’s victory, the whiny protesters or the devoted and shameless members of the Clinton-Obama LapDog Media.
Redskins over Vikings: Anthony Weiner was photographed riding a horse at sex addiction camp at the Recovery Ranch in Tennessee, which prohibits cell phones and uses caring for and interacting with horses as therapy. Let’s hope that doesn’t cause A-Wad to need a session at bestiality camp.
Packers over Titans: After the Pack’s loss to the Colts, Aaron Rodgers called out his teammates for having “uncharacteristically low energy.” In other words, they were suffering from Jeb Bush Syndrome.
Buccaneers over Bears: Let’s hear it for the five million Cubs fans who attended the championship parade a week ago, making it the seventh largest gathering of people in history. Chances are it will be even larger when they win again in 2124.
Chargers over Dolphins: It wasn’t all bad news for liars on Election Day — Richard “Lying Dick” Blumenthal won a second term as U.S. Senator from Connecticut, picking up 100 percent of the votes in the stolen-valor demographic.
49ers over Cardinals: Even the most ardent Clinton detractors had to feel bad for Bill during Hillary’s concession speech. Ol’ Bubba seemed to be tearing up throughout, no doubt because he saw it as a lost opportunity to chase interns around the White House for at least the next four years. A couple of topless young ladies protested at Trump’s Midtown voting site by writing “Trump grab your b-lls” on their torsos. Word is El Donaldo had no objection to the tit-for-tat gesture.
Cowboys over Steelers: Lost in the Election Day mayhem was Obama commuting the sentences of 72 more prisoners, bringing the total to 944 — more than the previous 11 presidents combined. Quite impressive, although not nearly as noteworthy as his more than $9 trillion contribution to the national debt — more than all 43 previous presidents combined. Obama hasn’t ruled out the possibility of granting Hillary clemency for any crimes she may have committed, not so much out of devotion to her, but more to cause their enemies a bout with post-pardon depression.
Patriots over Seahawks: Now that Orange is the new President, reports indicate that many U.S. citizens/wusses are looking to move to New Zealand. It’s doubtful the Kiwis will be overly welcoming — they already share their country with 70 million sheep. The FBI Director might want to consider joining the exodus. Pulling a double cave-in for the election night loser surely will make Comey the Clinton Homey persona non grata with the new administration.
Giants over Bengals: With cornerback Eli Apple struggling and his mom, Annie, attacking the team on a couple of issues, Big Blue fans have to be pondering the questions: Do you like apples? How ’bout them Apples?
Best bets: Packers, Patriots, Giants.
Thursday: Browns (L)
Hondo- NFL Bonus Plays
Wk1: 7-9 (-2.9 units) (1-2 Best Bets, -1.2 units)
Wk2: 9-7 (+1.3 units) (2-1 Best Bets, +0.9 units)
Wk3: 8-8 (-0.8 units) (1-2 Best Bets, -1.2 units)
Wk4: 6-9 (-3.9 units) (2-1 Best Bets, +0.9 units)
Wk5: 8-5-1 (+2.5 units) (2-1 Best Bets, +0.9 units)
Wk6: 5-8-2 (-3.8 units) (1-1-1 Best Bets, -0.1 units)
Wk7: 8-7 (+0.3 units) (2-0-1 Best Bets, +2 units)
Wk8: 6-6-1 (-0.6 units) (2-1 Best Bets, +0.9 units)
Wk9: 7-5-1 (+1.5 units) (1-1-1 Best Bets, -0.1 units)
Total: 64-64-5 (-6.4 units) (14-10-3 Best Bets, +3.0 units)
Wk10:
(L) CLE
LA +2
HOU +2
CAR -3
DEN +3
ATL -2
WAS -2.5
GB -2.5 (BB)
TB +2.5
SD -3.5
SF +13.5
DAL +2.5
NE -7.5 (BB)
NYG pk (BB)