Hondo
Hondo’s glass half-full
Hondo had a case of the ones in his Week 16 Best Bets, going 1-1-1 to preserve a half-game lead over a hard-charging fellow named Costello. While Mr. Aitch makes no guarantees about finishing atop the BB standings, HondoNation can be sure that on New Year’s weekend he will give it the auld college try (a la Chip Kelly).
Jets over Bills: Same old … Rex. His mouth once again overloaded his butt and another season swirled down the toilet.
Giants over Eagles: It’s Swan Song Sunday and Hondo expects a successful sendoff for Tom Coughlin, especially with Big Blue playing a team that packed it in weeks ago. Sources say Odell Beckham Jr. won’t be watching when the ball drops on New Year’s Eve, because it will bring back bad memories of his performance against the Panthers.
The NFL found no evidence of gay slurs being directed at Beckham by the Panthers. Apparently, Roger “44M A Year” Goodell is of the opinion that Josh Norman’s postgame references to Beckham as a “ballerina” and “Michael Jackson” were tributes to his machismo.
Texans over Jaguars: When are Phil Jackson and Derek Fisher going to do something about all these costly Knicks turnovers?
Cowboys over Redskins: The Knicks are checking with the league to see if the robbers who helped themselves to Cleanthony Early’s gold teeth have given the team more cap space.
Bears over Lions: Emailer Dr. Sox points out that Stephen Drew signing with the Nationals for $3 million is another example of reckless and wasteful spending in D.C. The Drew acquisition no doubt met with the approval of Speaker of the House and alleged Republican Paul Ryan.
Patriots over Dolphins: From BarkingMut, aka the HondoNation SoBe Bureau Chief: Infuriated after the Patriots’ loss to the Jets, Tom Brady’s wife Giselle was heard to yell, “Tommy can’t pass the ball, catch the ball, and tell the ref he wants to receive the ball after winning the OT coin toss — like any sane person would do — all at the same time!”
Falcons over Saints: Hillary Clinton’s accusation that Donald Trump has “a penchant for sexism,” has prompted El Donaldo to charge that her husband has a history of “women abuse.” In his defense, Peyronie Bill says at least he was polite to his side action, pointing out that before disposing of them, he always thanked them for their service.
Bengals over Ravens: Eliot Spitzer and Lis Smith reportedly have broken up. While a spokesman attributed the split to their hectic schedules, word is Lis called it off because Spitzer refused to remove his beloved black socks during their mutual toe-sucking sessions in the hot tub.
Steelers over Browns: BarkingMut writes: With several NFL coaches expected to get the ax, a support group is forming named “Black Monday Lives Matter.”
Titans over Colts: The Colts have signed retread QBs Josh Freeman and Ryan Lindley, which, according to Donald Trump, makes them the team most likely to get schlonged in Week 17.
Rams over 49ers: On the same day ISIS chief Iyad El-Baghdadi called on Muslims to join Obama’s “JV” team, ISIS theologians issued guidelines on when it’s appropriate for members to have sex with their slaves. For example, fathers and sons can’t have sex with the same female slave, and having sex with mother and daughter slaves also is forbidden. What unfortunate timing! Who’s going to answer El-Baghdadi’s call when they have to adhere to such draconian rules about proper sex-slave etiquette?
Broncos over Chargers: Peyton Manning’s defense against charges he used PEDs — they were sent to his wife — will be summed up in his next Nationwide jingle: “Ashley got the HGH.”
Cardinals over Seahawks: The price is high, but justifiable. The Seahags won’t be overly motivated, since whoever they play in Round 1 — Packers, Vikes or Redskins — will be a pushover. It’s important to stay abreast of your playoff scenariolas.
Raiders over Chiefs: Vladimir Putin has a new cologne out called “Leaders Number One.” Professional sniffers say its aroma is far superior to Obama’s new cologne: “Leaders Number Two.”
Panthers over Buccaneers: Chipotle’s stock has plunged almost $300 a share since its problems started roaring to the surface. Savvy shareholders who exited early in the decline obviously heeded one of the fundamentals of investing in restaurant chains: When the food comes up, the stock goes down. Rumor has it Chipotle is looking into sponsoring a bowl game next season, which would be a perfect meld of customer and event.
Packers over Vikings: Hondo hears the Rockies have invited Denver-based Chipotle CEO (Chief E. coli Officer) Steve “The Big Queasy” Ells to the 2016 opener. They want him to throw up the first ball.
Bets Bets: Jets, Texans, Packers.
Happy New Year to all in HondoNation and points beyond.