REFS WILL BE MONITORING TEAMS 45 MINUTES BEFORE KICKOFF
Over the years, the NFL has provided such joy to my otherwise destitute life that I have been willing to overlook its sundry miscreants and maladies, from Brian Billick and Jeremy Shockey to Carmen Policy and Daniel Snyder to, of course, instant replay. But now, as another season gets under way, I must share my inner pain about the league's latest malfeasance:
Pregame penalties.
This season, officials will be on the field 45 minutes before every game monitoring both teams. If the referees see anything out of whack, they can throw a flag, with the penalty being assessed at the start of the game.
Teams will be penalized for unsuitable pregame behavior such as trash talking, shoving an opponent or even, I suppose, carrying a concealed weapon without a permit.
Of course, this means that, eventually, the Raiders will be kicking off from their own goal line.
(Speaking of the Raiders, how 'bout our old friend Bill Romanowski? I'm reminded of how some folks like to say that football mirrors life. Hah! In life, if you're working at IBM and punch out a colleague, you're usually out of a job by the end of business that day. In football, if you do the same thing, you're usually promoted to team captain.)
NFL football is a great game; I just don't understand why it has to extend to the pregame.
Before you know it, a coach might exhaust all his ``challenges'' before kickoff.
And if we're going to pregame penalties, why stop at 45 minutes before kickoff? Why don't they observe teams in the locker room two hours before game time? Why not shadow Brett Favre as he drives to Lambeau Field in his pickup listening to Hootie and the Blowfish?
After all, under current NFL rules, a player could rob a string of convenience stores en route to his 10 a.m. kickoff and not be penalized, but if he shouts, ``Yo mama!'' to a visiting linebacker during warm-ups, he's flagged for 15 yards.
As usual, the league has its priorities screwed up -- it's not pregame we need to worry about, it's preseason.
Why, oh why, did we have to lose Michael Vick?
He suffered a fractured fibula while scrambling in a meaningless exhibition against the Baltimore Ravens three weeks before the regular season begins. That would be like Pavarotti straining his throat singing ``Pop Goes the Weasel'' for his 8-year-old niece's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's three days before opening night of ``La Boheme'' at The Met.
With Vick likely out for the first four games, the Atlanta Falcons' Super Bowl hopes are severely compromised. Which brings us, of course, to Couch Slouch's much-anticipated Team of Destiny.
(For the uninitiated, the Team of Destiny is an annual program in which we select a franchise from the bowels of the league, mired in mediocrity for seasons on end, and forecast a deep and improbable run into the postseason. The Team of Destiny is ``blessed'' and deserves your recreational gaming support.)
This year's Team of Destiny has finished 6-10, 7-9, 8-8 or 9-7 for 10 consecutive seasons, hasn't won a playoff game since 1984 and never has made it to the Super Bowl. I give you, of course, the Mike Holmgren-and-Matt Hasselbeck -- and maybe Trent Dilfer -- Seattle Seahawks.
Though, frankly, if I'm an NFL ref, I'd flag the Seahawks 25 yards before every opening kickoff just for those uniforms.
Ask The Slouch
Q. You whined last week that the same teams always pollute the Bowl Championship Series rankings. Well, U.S. News & World Report just released its annual best-college rankings, and, as usual, Princeton, Harvard and Yale are at the top. Is that all just ``reputation,'' too? (Steve Lutz; Madison, Wis.)
A. Money talks, my man. (Hey, I've met plenty of dumb Ivy Leaguers, but I've never met a poor one.) Of course those rankings are rigged. Now, as a somewhat proud graduate of the University of Maryland, I'm not saying we should be No. 1, but I'll stack our parking facilities and vending machines up against any institution of higher learning in the nation.
Q. What can I do to get my wife to let me put a TV in the kitchen, so I can see the game when I get snacks or a drink? (Jim Lautenslager; Rosalia, Wash.)
A. From personal experience, I have found this problem usually sorts itself out. After my first ex-wife left, for instance, I could put the TV anywhere I wanted.
Q. So your Heisman pick, Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang, was declared academically ineligible for the season opener. Are you an idiot or what? (Ken Bragg; El Paso)
A. Is there a third choice?
http://www.bayarea.com/mld/mercurynews/sports/6671721.htm
Over the years, the NFL has provided such joy to my otherwise destitute life that I have been willing to overlook its sundry miscreants and maladies, from Brian Billick and Jeremy Shockey to Carmen Policy and Daniel Snyder to, of course, instant replay. But now, as another season gets under way, I must share my inner pain about the league's latest malfeasance:
Pregame penalties.
This season, officials will be on the field 45 minutes before every game monitoring both teams. If the referees see anything out of whack, they can throw a flag, with the penalty being assessed at the start of the game.
Teams will be penalized for unsuitable pregame behavior such as trash talking, shoving an opponent or even, I suppose, carrying a concealed weapon without a permit.
Of course, this means that, eventually, the Raiders will be kicking off from their own goal line.
(Speaking of the Raiders, how 'bout our old friend Bill Romanowski? I'm reminded of how some folks like to say that football mirrors life. Hah! In life, if you're working at IBM and punch out a colleague, you're usually out of a job by the end of business that day. In football, if you do the same thing, you're usually promoted to team captain.)
NFL football is a great game; I just don't understand why it has to extend to the pregame.
Before you know it, a coach might exhaust all his ``challenges'' before kickoff.
And if we're going to pregame penalties, why stop at 45 minutes before kickoff? Why don't they observe teams in the locker room two hours before game time? Why not shadow Brett Favre as he drives to Lambeau Field in his pickup listening to Hootie and the Blowfish?
After all, under current NFL rules, a player could rob a string of convenience stores en route to his 10 a.m. kickoff and not be penalized, but if he shouts, ``Yo mama!'' to a visiting linebacker during warm-ups, he's flagged for 15 yards.
As usual, the league has its priorities screwed up -- it's not pregame we need to worry about, it's preseason.
Why, oh why, did we have to lose Michael Vick?
He suffered a fractured fibula while scrambling in a meaningless exhibition against the Baltimore Ravens three weeks before the regular season begins. That would be like Pavarotti straining his throat singing ``Pop Goes the Weasel'' for his 8-year-old niece's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's three days before opening night of ``La Boheme'' at The Met.
With Vick likely out for the first four games, the Atlanta Falcons' Super Bowl hopes are severely compromised. Which brings us, of course, to Couch Slouch's much-anticipated Team of Destiny.
(For the uninitiated, the Team of Destiny is an annual program in which we select a franchise from the bowels of the league, mired in mediocrity for seasons on end, and forecast a deep and improbable run into the postseason. The Team of Destiny is ``blessed'' and deserves your recreational gaming support.)
This year's Team of Destiny has finished 6-10, 7-9, 8-8 or 9-7 for 10 consecutive seasons, hasn't won a playoff game since 1984 and never has made it to the Super Bowl. I give you, of course, the Mike Holmgren-and-Matt Hasselbeck -- and maybe Trent Dilfer -- Seattle Seahawks.
Though, frankly, if I'm an NFL ref, I'd flag the Seahawks 25 yards before every opening kickoff just for those uniforms.
Ask The Slouch
Q. You whined last week that the same teams always pollute the Bowl Championship Series rankings. Well, U.S. News & World Report just released its annual best-college rankings, and, as usual, Princeton, Harvard and Yale are at the top. Is that all just ``reputation,'' too? (Steve Lutz; Madison, Wis.)
A. Money talks, my man. (Hey, I've met plenty of dumb Ivy Leaguers, but I've never met a poor one.) Of course those rankings are rigged. Now, as a somewhat proud graduate of the University of Maryland, I'm not saying we should be No. 1, but I'll stack our parking facilities and vending machines up against any institution of higher learning in the nation.
Q. What can I do to get my wife to let me put a TV in the kitchen, so I can see the game when I get snacks or a drink? (Jim Lautenslager; Rosalia, Wash.)
A. From personal experience, I have found this problem usually sorts itself out. After my first ex-wife left, for instance, I could put the TV anywhere I wanted.
Q. So your Heisman pick, Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang, was declared academically ineligible for the season opener. Are you an idiot or what? (Ken Bragg; El Paso)
A. Is there a third choice?
http://www.bayarea.com/mld/mercurynews/sports/6671721.htm
