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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>It is well known among guys and their fellow peers that sleeping with a fat girl, or “fatty”, is a frowned-upon activity. It is not only a breech of one’s self-respect, but causes those aware of the atrocity to develop a visual picture of their friend (the violator) rolling about with a large, sweaty female reminiscent of Kathy Bates (the fatty). Such a visual is likely to result in cases of extreme nausea, vomiting, and sleep deprivation. However, there is also an unspoken rule that allows for all men to occasionally break the “no fatty clause” and go out on the town specifically with one goal in mind. To commit the heinous and clandestine act known among all of the male species as “Hoggin'”.
Hoggin’ is a sacred ritual that is only allowed under the most dire of circumstances. One cannot repeatedly bring home the heavyweights and expect not to be criticized, if not completely ostracized, by his peers. Rather, a good excuse must be documented and confirmed before one will allow his friend to embark on a “hoggin’ outing.”
Here are the crucial criteria that permit an individual to commence on a night of hoggin'.
1. Break-up/Divorce: This is the most common excuse for a man to commit Hoggery. He is upset and needs to get back on the horse (er, hog). Men will often excuse this activity for their boys under such circumstances, because the idea of letting their friend fuck a fat chick is better than listening to him whine and cry all night about how he just lost the “love of his life”.
2. Dry spell exceeding 6 months: If your friend has managed to not secure any credible trim within a half-year period, hoggin’ can be permitted as to help prevent further damage to his swelling testicles. This “one” violation should be enough to set him straight. More than one fat chick cannot be banged using this excuse.
3. Spring Break: Better known as “open season,” Spring Break is the ONE time of the year when one is allowed to imbibe as much as humanly possible and then effectively use it as justification for mounting a Brontosaurus. Many a spring breaker has found themselves riding the ripples during a week of binge drinking in Panama City, this I assure you.
4. Family Member/Pet Died: Your dog Fuzzy perishing in a freak Frisbee-golf accident or your grandma’s drowning in the neighbor’s pool are both acceptable excuses for a guy to partake in an expedition up Mount Cankles. A death in the family, no matter how slight, can often be overcome by taking a couple of lightsaber jabs at Jabba the Hutt. One must learn to just pat their friend on the back and send him into battle.
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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>5. Graduation: Finishing college or high school (hell, or getting your GED) is a big deal! Time to celebrate with a bunch of drinks and some warm flesh at which to pound away. Who cares if that flesh adds up in the hundreds; you got a degree- plant a flag in that ass and claim it conquered! I am proud to say I personally have implemented this rule, and I am not afraid to admit it.
6. Lost your Job: There is a VERY fine line with this rule. If you lost your job because you were repeatedly late to work or called your office co-worker a “****”, this is NOT a respectable reason to go hoggin.’ However, if you were “laid off” or are in the midst of a union strike, then you might be a winner. The reasoning behind this rule is rather simple. Now that you are no longer employed (by no fault of your own) hoggin’ is an acceptable means for one to acquire groceries. After all, you gotta eat, and who better to get free food from than the fat girl you’re fuckin? I mean, who are you kidding, you know she can cook!
7. The Wingman: This rule is also known as “takin one for the team”. Every guy in his life will one day be put in the position of helping their friend score with a hot chick by distracting her fat friend. Sometimes just talking to the fatty or sharing a footlong with her is not enough, and you have to “do the deed.” This rule is about loyalty and being a true friend. However, if your friend is successful in his conquests due to your sacrifice, he is obligated to a.) never tell anyone about what you did, and b.) do the same for you should the situation ever arise.
8.Black Guy: Apparently it is acceptable among black men to go hoggin’ at ANY time so long as the target has a BIG ASS. I have asked some of my friends about this (who happen to be black) and the response is always the same. When I say, “Hey bro..what is up with your girl? She’s a little heavy, dude”, they always just smile and say “Yeah, Adam, but did you see THAT ASS?!” Every single time, without a doubt, it is always about “that ass.”
So there you have it. These are the Official 8 Rules Toward Successful Hoggin.’ If you happen to fall under hard times, I wish you the best!
<TABLE cellSpacing=5 cellPadding=0 align=left border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>
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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>Happy Hoggin’
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so its come down to this....
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>It is well known among guys and their fellow peers that sleeping with a fat girl, or “fatty”, is a frowned-upon activity. It is not only a breech of one’s self-respect, but causes those aware of the atrocity to develop a visual picture of their friend (the violator) rolling about with a large, sweaty female reminiscent of Kathy Bates (the fatty). Such a visual is likely to result in cases of extreme nausea, vomiting, and sleep deprivation. However, there is also an unspoken rule that allows for all men to occasionally break the “no fatty clause” and go out on the town specifically with one goal in mind. To commit the heinous and clandestine act known among all of the male species as “Hoggin'”.
Hoggin’ is a sacred ritual that is only allowed under the most dire of circumstances. One cannot repeatedly bring home the heavyweights and expect not to be criticized, if not completely ostracized, by his peers. Rather, a good excuse must be documented and confirmed before one will allow his friend to embark on a “hoggin’ outing.”
Here are the crucial criteria that permit an individual to commence on a night of hoggin'.
1. Break-up/Divorce: This is the most common excuse for a man to commit Hoggery. He is upset and needs to get back on the horse (er, hog). Men will often excuse this activity for their boys under such circumstances, because the idea of letting their friend fuck a fat chick is better than listening to him whine and cry all night about how he just lost the “love of his life”.
2. Dry spell exceeding 6 months: If your friend has managed to not secure any credible trim within a half-year period, hoggin’ can be permitted as to help prevent further damage to his swelling testicles. This “one” violation should be enough to set him straight. More than one fat chick cannot be banged using this excuse.
3. Spring Break: Better known as “open season,” Spring Break is the ONE time of the year when one is allowed to imbibe as much as humanly possible and then effectively use it as justification for mounting a Brontosaurus. Many a spring breaker has found themselves riding the ripples during a week of binge drinking in Panama City, this I assure you.
4. Family Member/Pet Died: Your dog Fuzzy perishing in a freak Frisbee-golf accident or your grandma’s drowning in the neighbor’s pool are both acceptable excuses for a guy to partake in an expedition up Mount Cankles. A death in the family, no matter how slight, can often be overcome by taking a couple of lightsaber jabs at Jabba the Hutt. One must learn to just pat their friend on the back and send him into battle.
<TABLE cellSpacing=5 cellPadding=0 align=right border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>
it takes two to tango
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>5. Graduation: Finishing college or high school (hell, or getting your GED) is a big deal! Time to celebrate with a bunch of drinks and some warm flesh at which to pound away. Who cares if that flesh adds up in the hundreds; you got a degree- plant a flag in that ass and claim it conquered! I am proud to say I personally have implemented this rule, and I am not afraid to admit it.
6. Lost your Job: There is a VERY fine line with this rule. If you lost your job because you were repeatedly late to work or called your office co-worker a “****”, this is NOT a respectable reason to go hoggin.’ However, if you were “laid off” or are in the midst of a union strike, then you might be a winner. The reasoning behind this rule is rather simple. Now that you are no longer employed (by no fault of your own) hoggin’ is an acceptable means for one to acquire groceries. After all, you gotta eat, and who better to get free food from than the fat girl you’re fuckin? I mean, who are you kidding, you know she can cook!
7. The Wingman: This rule is also known as “takin one for the team”. Every guy in his life will one day be put in the position of helping their friend score with a hot chick by distracting her fat friend. Sometimes just talking to the fatty or sharing a footlong with her is not enough, and you have to “do the deed.” This rule is about loyalty and being a true friend. However, if your friend is successful in his conquests due to your sacrifice, he is obligated to a.) never tell anyone about what you did, and b.) do the same for you should the situation ever arise.
8.Black Guy: Apparently it is acceptable among black men to go hoggin’ at ANY time so long as the target has a BIG ASS. I have asked some of my friends about this (who happen to be black) and the response is always the same. When I say, “Hey bro..what is up with your girl? She’s a little heavy, dude”, they always just smile and say “Yeah, Adam, but did you see THAT ASS?!” Every single time, without a doubt, it is always about “that ass.”
So there you have it. These are the Official 8 Rules Toward Successful Hoggin.’ If you happen to fall under hard times, I wish you the best!
<TABLE cellSpacing=5 cellPadding=0 align=left border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>Happy Hoggin’
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