George Carlinisms
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
25. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. How is it possible to have a civil war?
28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
29. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
30. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
31. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
37. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
25. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. How is it possible to have a civil war?
28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
29. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
30. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
31. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
37. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
