E-Mails from an asshole

[billhill999]

Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!

From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

 

[billhill999]

Original ad:
im selling my 1991 ford f150 for $2500. call ***-***-**** for more info or email


From Mike Partlow to ************@********.org
Hey,

I am interested in your truck. How many miles does it have on it?

Mike

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
do you have a number you can be reached at?

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Yes I do. My number is (***)-492-159.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
that isnt a phone nubmer there arent enough numbers

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
That is my phone number. You can get a number with less digits for a small monthly fee, which I am paying for.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
well i dont think its working i tried calling and it said its not a number

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
i just tried that and it is not working

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait are you calling from Philly?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yes

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Oh, my mistake. Since you are calling from Philly, you have to dial a 6 first, followed by the pound sign, and then my number.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
IT ISNT WORKING

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Shit, do you just want my office number? It is a little complicated.

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
yeah fine give me that

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
You have to call my office at (215)-592-**** and then put in extension 4491-2938 followed by the pound sign to be transferred to the Human Resources department. Once you are transferred there, you need to enter this pin as the security access code: 2A11-3D58-2F41-FW31. You will be put through to Katie, our receptionist. She is going to ask you a series of questions to confirm you are not a machine. Upon confirmation, tell her that you want to speak to Richard, tell him Mike sent you. When Richard gets on, ask him to page Mike Partlow. Use this code as a reference: 8281-WK82F. It should take about two minutes upon me receiving the page to make it to the secure office phone. I can only talk on that phone for about 15 seconds, so I will give you a randomly generated payphone number for you to call me on. I will then run down to the lobby and pick up the payphone, and then we can talk. Got it?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
it says that is not a working number

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Did you dial 1 first?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me:
fuck this. forget it

From Mike Partlow to ***********@yahoo.com:
Wait, I also have a pager number. Do you want that instead?

 

[billhill999]

Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.

From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

Hello,

I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

From marty ******* to Me

absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

From marty ******* to Me

Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the fuck up.

 

[billhill999]

Original ad:
DOG WATCHER WANTED! we are leaving town for a week and need someone to take care of our 6-year-old rottweiler. he is very friendly! we are looking for someone trustworthy with experience, so we will need references. will pay $30 per day. email if interested!

From Tyrone Jackson to ************@******.org
yo wat up! i saw your ad looking for someone to take care of your rottweiler. ill do it no problem. i live in the area and can pick him up.

From Tanya ****** to Me
tyrone do you have any references? can you tell us a little about yourself?

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
yea i got some references. you can talk to my bro devon, or my associate g-ice. ill have them hit u up. a little about myself: i love taking care of dogs and shit

now you said your rottweiler is friendly. how friendly is he? would he be able to fight another dog if they were both put in a ring? just wonderin.

also can you pay me the money up front straight cash? i need it to enter in a contest.

From Tanya ****** to Me
I dont want you watching my dog!!!! find someone else for your dog fighting ring sicko!!!!!!!

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
whoa whoa slow yo role! who said anything about dog fighting? i was just wondering if your dog could protect itself, in case an angrier dog tries to start some shit while im walkin him. you need to chill the fuck out and stop jumpin to conclusions

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
look you triflin bitch just gimme the dog. i need it, the fight is tonight! ill pay you 200 cash plus 20 percent of whatever i win

From Tanya ****** to Me
STOP IT



A few hours later...



From G Ice to Tanya ******
ay yo wat up woman, its ya boy tyrone's boy G Ice. tyrone was sayin he needed a reference for ur dog babysittin job so here i am. tyrone be great with dogs. he loves em so much and will care the shit out of them. my boy tyrone is definitely the right man for the job, i aint playin

From Tanya ****** to Me
GO AWAY

 

[STACKSONDECK]

thats some funny shit. i know its probally a dumb question but are these real i mean you never know these days. i imagine they are not though

 

[Youngblood]

man that is funny.......being stoned probably helps but I read it twice. Good Stuff!!

 

[tatehill2000]

that shits funny yo..........

hahahahha

tater

 

[billhill999]

Original ad:
We are a family of 2 adults and 3 kids looking for a vacation home for the weekend of August 1st. We would prefer a house on the water. Nobody smokes, and we do not have any pets. This was a last minute decision and we can't find anywhere to stay!
From Dan Gibson to Peg ******

Hello,

I own a waterfront house and have not booked the weekend of August 1st yet. Let me know if you are still interested.

Thanks,

Dan

From Peg ****** to Me
We are still looking for a house to rent. Can you tell us a little about the house? Which beach, how big, rental rate, etc...

-Peg

From Dan Gibson to Peg ******
Peg,

It is a beautiful 1 bedroom townhouse in the heart of Chester. I am only renting out the bedroom on the first floor, because the second floor is boarded up from a fire that happened last month. Don't let that scare you away though - the first floor is the epitome of luxury.

In the den, you'll find a couch, TV, and table. The table is great for putting stuff on when you are sitting on the couch. I'm not quite sure if the TV still works after that transition to digital cable happened, but there is a VCR, and a few tapes on VHS. I think one of the movies is Predator 2, but if you are looking for something a little more family-oriented, I have some episodes of Oz that I taped off of HBO. My kids love it.

The kitchen comes fully equipped with a microwave and sink. The township disconnected water to the building for various reasons, but I will leave behind a few gallon jugs of water that you can use. The water is probably more sanitary than water from the sink, anyway.

The bedroom has a mattress on the floor, and a handheld fan to keep you cool during those hot summer nights.

The back window of the house overlooks a beautiful neighborhood drainage reservoir. You are literally right on the water.

Now I must warn you that this is in a bit of a shady neighborhood. There were 17 robberies last month, and a few shootings. Don't worry though, there are locks on the windows and I have a stool near the front door that you can wedge under the doorknob to serve as an extra lock.

As of right now, the weekend of the 1st is not booked. I am willing to rent the house to you for that weekend for a discounted price of $300 a night. Should I put you down for that Friday?

Dan

From Peg ****** to Me
You seriously rent that piece of shit?! Yeah let me tell you how my family would love to spend the weekend on a vacation in CHESTER. Get real buddy

From Dan Gibson to Peg ******
Peg,

Don't let the fact that it is in Chester scare you away from my resort of a vacation home. I don't know if you have heard, but crime is down in Chester by over 6 percent.

The gunshots at night aren't that bad - the last guests that rented out my house even said that they found the gunshots to be soothing.

This late in the summer, you won't find a vacation deal like this anywhere else. You don't want to pass this up!

Dan

From Peg ****** to Me
um I think I do want to pass this up. getting robbed in the middle of the night isn't my idea of a vacation.

From Dan Gibson to Peg ******
I told you I had a stool to barricade the front door. I guess if that isn't enough, I'll let you borrow my Glock 21. It will put a .45 slug straight through anything that tries to enter the house. Just make sure your kids don't play with it - I don't want to have to deal with any more accidents. I'll include this as "extra security" for an extra $50 for the weekend.

Dan

From Dan Gibson to Peg ******
So do you want the house or not? I have plenty of other people who want to rent the house that weekend, so will you make up your mind and stop wasting my time?

Dan

From Peg ****** to Me
stop wasting YOUR time? how about you stop wasting MY time dickhead! I think I made myself very clear that I dont want to rent your shitty project house. how can you call that a resort, that thing should be condemned!

From Dan Gibson to Peg ******
Peg, I am sorry to hear that you do not want to stay at my Chester getaway. If you are still looking for a vacation rental, I have a beautiful row house in West Baltimore for rent. Let me know!

 

[billhill999]

thats some funny shit. i know its probally a dumb question but are these real i mean you never know these days. i imagine they are not though

They are real.


Original ad:
WE PAY TO CUT YOUR HAIR!
We are a hair styling school that is looking for volunteers to get their hair styled/dyed by our students. We will pay you up to $50. Preferably women/girls
From Mike Anderson to *********@*********.org

Hey! I saw your ad saying you will pay cash to cut my hair! Well I just got my head shaved, but I haven't trimmed my pubes in about five months. They are pretty gnarly, and I jammed my beard trimmer trying to cut them earlier. How much would you pay me to trim my pubes?

Mike

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

Mike,

Sorry but we do not trim pubic hair. This is more of a hair dying and styling place.

Thanks!

From Mike Anderson to *********@yahoo.com

That works for me too. My pubes are very curly, but I've always wanted to get them straightened. Would you be able to do that? Maybe you could put some highlights in, and just shape up my split ends. Also, do you have some kind of conditioner that would take care of my crabs problem? My prescription ointment doesn't really do the job.

Where are you located? I am free all day tomorrow.

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

Mike we work on HEADS ONLY. SORRY.

From Mike Anderson to *********@yahoo.com

Here's what I am willing to do. You style my pubes, and I'll accept $40 cash instead of $50. You can even donate my pubes to those people with cancer who need hair, if you want.

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

NO. That is disgusting. Leave us alone!

 

[Youngblood]

Man this stuff is hilarious.........fill the bowl and read away.

 

[Youngblood]

Alright, just burned a j. Got anymore?

 

[JakeT.]

High-rise Fridge Delivery
Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49

Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

Hello,

I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

From marty ******* to Me

absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

From marty ******* to Me

Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the fuck up.

 

[JakeT.]

Kittens for my Tiger
Posted at: 2009-06-09 02:00:01

Original ad:
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.
From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

Hi,

I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

Mike,

Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

Mike



From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO.

 

[JakeT.]

Vintage Liquor
Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:43:45

Original ad:
Collector looking for vintage scotch, rum, cognac, bourbon, etc. Willing to pay top dollar for fine bottles.
From Timmy Tucker to **********@**********.org

Hey there! I saw your ad on ********** and have some "vintage" liquor you may be interested in.

I have about half a handle of Captain Morgan's Rum, a rare vintage rum from the Caribbean. I bought this at a liquor store on Long Island in 2007, and believe that its taste has really aged to perfection. I am willing to sell this for $300.

I also have a very rare bottle of Aristocrat Tequila. You can taste the fine vintage in every sip. I acquired it from a friend who says he bought it at a liquor store in Baltimore in 2005. You can really taste that southern atmosphere in this one! Due to its rarity, I will sell this for $500.

Also, if you are interested, I have about half a case of vintage Natural Ice beer. It was acquired from a frat party I was at about a month ago. This frat has a very old history with Syracuse, and that history came with the beer. It doesn't get much more vintage than this. I will part with this at $50 per can.

I really hate to see this stuff go, but after my third DUI, the court ordered me to do a program that involves me staying sober, so I think it is best that I part with this rare liquor.

Please let me know if you are interested. I have several other buyers lined up, so I will need to know very soon.

Thanks,

Tim

From Evan ******* to Me

Tim,

You must be crazy to consider that bottom-end liquor "vintage." I am not interested and am insulted that you would even try to sell me such cheap liquor at such ridiculous prices.

Evan

From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******

Evan,

I am very disappointed that you are not interested in these vintage treasures. Every bottle and can I sell comes with priceless historic value. Please reconsider, because I don't think you will find an offer like this anywhere else.

- Tim

From Evan ******* to Me

Are you nuts? You want to sell me beer you stole from a frat, that is a month old, for $50 a can? I am NOT INTERESTED.

From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******

Evan,

I did not steal that beer, and I resent the accusation. Please reconsider purchasing this. I am a recovering alcoholic, and fear that I will drink again if I am unable to get rid of this booze. Please do not make me drink again!

Tim

From Evan ******* to Me

Why don't you just throw the booze away? You have problems, man.

From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******

WJKAJF EVAN U RUNED MY LIF. I DRNK ALL THE BOTTLE. U MADE ME CRSH MY CAR AND RUN AWAY NOW POLICE RJSGJKEW. WIFE IN HOSPTAL. i HATE U EVEN U DISTROY LIFE

 

[JakeT.]

Those are my three favorites in the order of the best for last.

 

[Youngblood]

Man they kill me......Love 'em.

 

[romecloneout]

funny shit

 

[Doug]

These are GREAT !

The tiger one gave me an idea....

contact a Groomer, and ask them how much to groom a cat, and ask if there is a size limit.... then tell them it's a Bengal tiger.

 

[CALUMINATI]

Damn this shit is funny as hell, keep them coming...

 

[ZJP6050]

wow funniest stuff i've seen in awhile