Sorry, bad start I'll make it up with some jokes.....
The Las Vegas Hooker
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some *****?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a *****."
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Suck a Sausage
Two guys, Brian and Dave, fancied a drink or two but didn’t have much money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.
Brian said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Dave said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Brian replied, "Don’t worry - just follow me."
They went into the nearest bar where Brian immediately ordered two beers and two whiskies.
Dave said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Brian replied, with a smile. "Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Brian said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage in my pants. You go on your knees, pull it through my zipper and put it in your mouth."
As Dave did this, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued the same scam, bar after bar, getting drunker and drunker, and all for free.
At the tenth bar Dave said "Brian - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me! I’m losin the plot"
Brian said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third bar."
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Turn My Pages!!
A woman and her husband were lying in bed, the husband was reading a book while his wife was trying to sleep, out of nowhere the husband reaches over, plays with his wife, and then continues reading, the wife turns over and grins at her husband then procedes to go back to sleep, a few minutes later the husband reaches up his wifes nightgown, plays with her a little, then continues reading again, so this time the wife thinks "ok, I’m going to get some lovin’ tonight!" so she gets undressed and starts kissing her husbands neck. Well her husband looks over and says "what are you doing?" and the wife says "well, you kept touching me so I thought you wanted to have sex" the husband then laughs and says " No!!, I WAS JUST GETTING MY FINGERS WET TO TURN THE PAGES!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
I can't swim
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me...
out to here, Dave, out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... out to here, Dave, out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... WAY out to here, Dave, WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?"
"Sure you can have a ride in my boat."So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....
....Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Small Head
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,
"You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."
She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
<!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->====================
Current record: 33-5-1
========================
YTD -- THERX 1-1
========================
December 15 Thursday NBA
Seattle -2.5 $2,500 LOSE
Sea/Hou over 190.5 $2,500 WIN
=======================================================
December 16 Friday NBA :money:
Mia/Phi OVER 200.5 $3,000
Chi/Det OVER 194 $3,000
Phoenix -5 $3,000
Dallas ML $25,000
Detroit ML $25,000
New York +1 $3,000
Miami -2.5 $3,000
L.A. Lakers -5 $3,000
Phoenix / New Orleans OVER 196 $3,000
Dallas / Orlando OVER 185 $3,000
GLTA...................:money: :money:
FOLLOW ME YOU'LL BE RICH. I AM ANGELINA JOLIE
:niceass: :niceass: :niceass: :niceass: :niceass:<!-- / message -->
================THE END==================
The Las Vegas Hooker
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some *****?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a *****."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Suck a Sausage
Two guys, Brian and Dave, fancied a drink or two but didn’t have much money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.
Brian said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Dave said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Brian replied, "Don’t worry - just follow me."
They went into the nearest bar where Brian immediately ordered two beers and two whiskies.
Dave said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Brian replied, with a smile. "Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Brian said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage in my pants. You go on your knees, pull it through my zipper and put it in your mouth."
As Dave did this, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued the same scam, bar after bar, getting drunker and drunker, and all for free.
At the tenth bar Dave said "Brian - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me! I’m losin the plot"
Brian said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third bar."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Turn My Pages!!
A woman and her husband were lying in bed, the husband was reading a book while his wife was trying to sleep, out of nowhere the husband reaches over, plays with his wife, and then continues reading, the wife turns over and grins at her husband then procedes to go back to sleep, a few minutes later the husband reaches up his wifes nightgown, plays with her a little, then continues reading again, so this time the wife thinks "ok, I’m going to get some lovin’ tonight!" so she gets undressed and starts kissing her husbands neck. Well her husband looks over and says "what are you doing?" and the wife says "well, you kept touching me so I thought you wanted to have sex" the husband then laughs and says " No!!, I WAS JUST GETTING MY FINGERS WET TO TURN THE PAGES!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
I can't swim
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me...
out to here, Dave, out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...
out to here, Dave, out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...
WAY out to here, Dave, WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her
and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .........Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Small Head
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,
"You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."
She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
<!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->====================
Current record: 33-5-1
========================
YTD -- THERX 1-1
========================
December 15 Thursday NBA
Seattle -2.5 $2,500 LOSE
Sea/Hou over 190.5 $2,500 WIN
=======================================================
December 16 Friday NBA :money:
Mia/Phi OVER 200.5 $3,000
Chi/Det OVER 194 $3,000
Phoenix -5 $3,000
Dallas ML $25,000
Detroit ML $25,000
New York +1 $3,000
Miami -2.5 $3,000
L.A. Lakers -5 $3,000
Phoenix / New Orleans OVER 196 $3,000
Dallas / Orlando OVER 185 $3,000
GLTA...................:money: :money:
FOLLOW ME YOU'LL BE RICH. I AM ANGELINA JOLIE
:niceass: :niceass: :niceass: :niceass: :niceass:<!-- / message -->
================THE END==================
